Survey: Those Darlin’ PK’s
I am working on a project for ministry wives. The subject I am currently tackling is PK’s. The statistics I’m finding are somewhat dated and what I want is a ‘now’ perspective.
If you would be so kind as to weigh in, here are a couple of questions:
* If you are a ministry wife:
– Do you perceive your children are held to a different standard of behavior? Has this differed at varying stages in your child’s life? (i.e. is it worse when they are teenagers or toddlers?)
– Have you ever had a bad experience because of this?
– Do you have any ‘philosophies’ you hold to where your children and the church are concerned?
– Do you feel your children and family are loved by your congregation?
And this is the ouchy one:
– Do you believe people in your congregation may be afraid of approaching you if they felt your child were behaving inappropriately?
– Have you ever had a ‘falling out’ because someone did?
– Looking back, was that person justified? If not, has the situation resolved? Forgiveness given?
And lastly:
– How do your children feel about being a PK?
– Do they feel responsible for your “success” for lack of a better word, in the church? (i.e. if I mess up will the people not like my dad anymore).
-Do you ever find yourself putting undue pressure on your own children because they are Your Children?
– Do any of you have grown children who had negative PK experiences and have since wandered from the faith? If so, please know my heart is so sensitive to this right now and I am praying for that prodigal to come home.
Okay, now if you aren’t a ministry wife:
– Considering all the questions above, what are your perceptions on how your own minister handles his children?
– Have you ever found yourself guilty of expecting more of PK’s than other children?
– If your minister’s kids were behaving badly, and by this I mean something serious like bullying, destroying property, etc., would you be less likely to tell your pastor than if it was simply another friend’s child? If yes, why?
– Do you get the idea from your minister and his wife they expect their kids to be accountable in their spiritual growth and behavior?
I realize these are personal questions that may need to be answered privately through email, if at all. You may have perspective on some questions and not others. I am happy with any information you are willing to give. Please remember to be sensitive about naming names or dishonoring anyone who may read. These things can happen so innocently sometimes and I wouldn’t want anyone to have hurt feelings or get caught in a bind over this survey.
You may also have more input that is not covered by question I asked. Please feel free to give it! I really want this study to be comprehensive so I am totally open to your thoughts.
Again, I thank you for being so incredibly honest and open with me in all times past. The depth of insight you give is invaluable to making sure material is relevant.
After you talk for a bit, I’ll give you a preview of my thoughts on the subject. I can’t wait to hear from you! :)
Hi Lisa,
This is a hard subject and I am glad to see you addressing it! I am sending you an email due to the length of my answers.
Thanks!
Kelli
I’m emailing you!
Both my husband and I grew up as PKs and we and our siblings were all very good, obedient children (not boasting, we were). I do think we were held to a higher standard. As a result of being a PK I am now kind of a mix – sometimes holding them to a higher standard, while realizing they are usually the ones that get the short end of the parenting stick because the Pastor is busy parenting the entire church. My minister is older, with grown children but I know it would be harder to go to a Pastor about his kids – you don’t want to end up looking like you’re just picking or nagging. It’s a very sticky situation all around. My pastor, and most pastors I’ve known do expect their children to be accountable and would want to know if something was witnessed.
My kids are pk’s and they will all tell you it has been a good experience for them. We have been so blessed – our church of 20 years has loved them unconditionally. If they are treated any differently than other kids, it would be they maybe are treated better. They are so loved. And prayed for.
We have told our kids that they represent our family in everything they do. It has nothing to do with being pastors – it has everything to do with being Christians.
I have never had anyone approach me with their behavior – that’s an interesting question. I think they would let us know if it was something we needed to know. It’s never come up though as far as I know.
A couple of months ago my youngest 17 year old daughter came home and told me with some surprise in her voice that “so and so” had our family picture on their fridge. It was the only picture there. She wondered about it. I told her that it was probably there as a reminder to pray for our family. I told her that “life in the ministry is a life of privilege” and this was just one of the examples why.
Something that I’m sure has helped is that my husband has ALWAYS put his family first and he expects his staff to do the same. NOTHING comes before family events or needs. I truly believe God has blessed that endeavor.
My hubby is a pk and remembers and talks about the BLESSINGS of it. But he is also an incredibly positive person. :)
Now with our own kids as minister’s kids, I’m more sensitive to it. We are at a large church now and my hubby isn’t the senior pastor, so I don’t think the spotlight is as bright. However, I do think that people expect a little more out of my kids. And I think I do, too.
Because they are at the building ALL the time, they feel very familiar there and aren’t always on their best behavior. There was a time when every single Sunday I’d go to pick up one of them and hear a report on her negative behavior. It stung and made me sad, but I was glad they weren’t afraid to address it with us.
I’ve asked myself the same question… if I put UNDUE pressure on them b/c they are ours. I have definitely said to them that because they are part of our family and have our family name they reflect on us. They know what is expected of them and they know when we are disappointed. In the same way, b/c we are Christians, and in ministry, they also reflect on Christians in general; on Christ. I’ve wondered, though, if I would care as much about their BEHAVIOR if they weren’t PKs. Their hearts are where we want them right now, and that is of course the bigger issue, but somehow behavior does still matter. Maybe too much; I’m not sure.
We have been pretty blessed raising four young men who were PK’s up through January of this year. Yes, we have had people tell us things that our kids did wrong…and we treated it as we would have if someone outside the church told us the same information. In fact, a funny story, DS 2 told his brand new Sunday School teacher when he was 4 years old, “My Dad’s the new boss of this church and he can fire you!” We were only there for two weeks when he did this!
For the most part, we try to establish family routines that are outside the realm of church. This is difficult, but necessary to create well-rounded children in my opinion.
My boys are 19. 18, 13 and 9 now. They all have a relationship with Jesus and are growing into Godly young men. I think the only time they’ve been angry or disillusioned with the church is when they have caught wind of those people who wanted to bad-mouth their Dad. We’ve explained it’s human nature…and sometimes it isn’t nice.
That’s all I can think of on this topic. I hope somewhere in this lengthy comment you’ve found some answers to your questions…I’ve tried to answer a bit more globally.
Blessings,
Susan
Hi Lisa,
I am not currently in this position, but have been for the past 12 years, so here’s my input!
– Do you perceive your children are held to a different standard of behavior? Somewhat yes.
Has this differed at varying stages in your child’s life? (i.e. is it worse when they are teenagers or toddlers?)
My kids really felt it as they became teenagers. Never seemed to notice it before that.
– Have you ever had a bad experience because of this?
No, not bad. But I would always hear about things that the kids may have done while I wasn’t around (ie. talking during service or something)
– Do you have any ‘philosophies’ you hold to where your children and the church are concerned?
My kids did not like living under the microscope, but they never did anything to get in trouble either.
I feel that it is all part of the position, and it also has it’s perks for the kids. It also made them feel protected to have so many people around them that cared.
Do you feel your children and family are loved by your congregation?
Yes, absolutely.
And this is the ouchy one:
– Do you believe people in your congregation may be afraid of approaching you if they felt your child were behaving inappropriately?
Possibly, not really sure.
– Have you ever had a ‘falling out’ because someone did?
Thankfully, no.
And lastly:
– How do your children feel about being a PK? Mixed feelings. We have discussed this more now that we are not pastoring. They didn’t mind it, but they felt that we were gone too much and got tired of us dealing with church things all the time.
– Do they feel responsible for your “success” for lack of a better word, in the church? (i.e. if I mess up will the people not like my dad anymore).
Oh sure, they knew they were held to a higher standard.
-Do you ever find yourself putting undue pressure on your own children because they are Your Children?
Absolutely, when I caught myself saying- your Dad is the pastor- you HAVE to go to youth group!
– Do any of you have grown children who had negative PK experiences and have since wandered from the faith?
No, praise God, they are all serving the Lord.
PS:
I am doing another praise and coffee giveaway!
(((hugs)))
Sue
– Considering all the questions above, what are your perceptions on how your own minister handles his children?
I think they do a fantastic job!
– Have you ever found yourself guilty of expecting more of PK’s than other children?
Lie: Oh no, never!
Truth: Of course. But primarily my first year or so in a church (reading between the lines that means more of a seeker investigating what this whole Christian thing was all about). I think there is a huge misconception in which many think they only birth perfect angels. This is speaking from my personal experience. I really thought given a child was raised from day one in a very Godly home they wouldn’t be your typical child needing discipline.
But I don’t think it just happens to PK’s. I think those higher standards and expectations are targeted at everyone who holds some type of role. I just feel (and have seen) the smaller the role, the less scrutiny. The Children’s Ministry Coordinator has “average” judged children whereas the Lay Leaders and Ad Council leaders get a harsher amount of gossip.
In our churches there are three distinct groups: the ones who raise their eyebrows, the ones who expect more but don’t say a whole lot, and the ones who understand children are children.
– If your minister’s kids were behaving badly, and by this I mean something serious like bullying, destroying property, etc., would you be less likely to tell your pastor than if it was simply another friend’s child? If yes, why?
Depending on which Pastor it was I would be nervous, but I would do it. Some I have more of a personal relationship with than others. The few I don’t know as well would cause me to be a bit timid.
– Do you get the idea from your minister and his wife they expect their kids to be accountable in their spiritual growth and behavior?
Yes, but not in a bad way. I think they hold their child accountable just as any of us as a parent have the same expectations.
OK I am a minister’s wife who is going to try to remember all the questions!
My husband is the student pastor at our church. We have one little girl who is 13 months old. So we are very new to having a PK. I can tell you I have been praying for her since before we were married because I knew there was not way around her being a PK! I did not know any PK’s who were normal so I was very worried. Since then I can say that our Sr. Pastor and his wife have done an amazing job with there 4 children who are following hard after Christ all on their own. So that has given us hope. We are on staff at a large church so we have 8 PK’s in our student ministry. I have talked to each of them and know they feel like they have always been held to a higher standard.
As far as feeling loved by the church if nothing else I can say that our little girl is spoiled rotten inside those church walls…simply because she is a PK. She very rarely sees the inside of her classroom because everyone just tots her around.
My philosophy on raising my children with the church is to never make them feel like they play 2nd fiddle. They need to understand the church is God’s plan and that their dad is called to serve there but that he is also called to LOVE AND SERVE THEM FIRST.
Can I just say I can’t wait to see what this is about!
Hi, I’m brand new to your blog and stumbled upon it from another. My husband and I are just currently starting out in full time ministry, so I can’t answer those questions yet. But, I can answer the questions about my own pastor. I think that my pastor has done a WONDERFUL job of making he and his family into just another family in the church. He’s very open and vulnerable to talking about his mistakes in parenting and also some of the really funny things that everyone else can relate to. He’s also known more as our friend, instead of THE PREACER, and has done a wonderful job of really connecting with us. We’re not from a small church either……..I think we’re up to 10,000 members. I’m sure not everyone considers him and his family friends, like my family does, but he is very personable. Saying that, I would have no trouble telling him about his children’s misbehavior. And I think sometimes PK’s are held to a higher standard automatically, but I think their parents can do a great job of making themselves equal to everyone else in the church and being open about their struggles in parenthood.
My husband and I have been pastoring for about six years. We first planted a church in an urban area, and have been pastoring a small rural church for the past two years. We have three wonderful sons ages 7, 4, and 2.
– Do you perceive your children are held to a different standard of behavior? I think we set the exectations pretty low at our current church when, on our first Sunday there as a family (with our 10 day old youngest) our almost three year old decided to throw a tantrum and crawl under the pews during prayer. My husband made a joke out of it explaining that we were just illustrating what happens when the youngest is detroned. I do think that PKs are held to a higher standard. However, I have made sure to encourage our congregants to share concerns with us, and make sure to deal accordingly with them. I also make sure to discipline my boys, as well as other children in our church with love and consistant expectations. We have kept communication with the other parents open and have tried to foster our village to raise all of our children.
– Have you ever had a bad experience because of this? Early in our time here we had an issue with how our boys were treating one of the girls whose guardian did not attend the church, but who hung around and witnessed an incident. My husband was not available to deal with the situation, fortunately, and I was able to get to the bottom of it, with bad choices by both the boys and the girl, and disciplined my boys and diffused the anger of the guardian. Being a family with all boys we are learning how to be respectful of and honoring towards girls in a way that is different than with boys.
– Do you have any ‘philosophies’ you hold to where your children and the church are concerned? I am probably more careful to make sure that the boys make a formal (usually written) apology to our elder congregants than to the younger ones, though apology is always expected.
– Do you feel your children and family are loved by your congregation? Very much so.
– Do you believe people in your congregation may be afraid of approaching you if they felt your child were behaving inappropriately? Initially, yes, but because I have expressed my appreciation to those who have spoken up, and becuase I encourage people to bring us concerns I don’t think there is any hesitation now.
– Have you ever had a ‘falling out’ because someone did? No
– How do your children feel about being a PK? Our oldest loves having a pastor-daddy. Our younger two don’t seem to know the difference, except that we get to have Family day on Mondays and other families don’t.
– Do they feel responsible for your “success” for lack of a better word, in the church? (i.e. if I mess up will the people not like my dad anymore). I don’t think they are old enough to even consider this.
-Do you ever find yourself putting undue pressure on your own children because they are Your Children? Yes, I expect more because they are my children. They know from an early age that they are responsible for their choices, that God is always there to help them make good choices, and that they have a responsibility to set a good and Godly example for others no matter the age. We also seek our children’s forgiveness when we screw up, and work to create an environment of reality and humility. We are the authority, but we are not perfect.
I know this post was from some time ago- and I am commenting late, but I just found your blog and I really enjoy it!
-As a PK and now a minister’s wife, there are positives and negatives. My Father is the senior pastor and my husband and I the youth pastors. I sometimes felt like people were looking extra hard for fault at my family; however this was not the majority of the time. I do feel that in general PK’s are held to a higher standard, for instance, I still have young siblings and just a few weeks ago, people from the church made sure to tell my parents that their children (my younger siblings) were talking during worship time. The only other “downside” if you will, is dealing with negativity towards your parents. Especially as a teenager, it is hard to hear negative comments, either about the church or your parents, especially negative feedback about your parents.
Lisa,
You may be way past this poll… but I had a couple of thoughts to add.
I always wanted my children to love being the the PK’s… so I made it a practice to point out all of the wonderful things about it. I wanted to establish a strong foundation…so that when the teen years hit, they would have a foundation of loving it and realize the advantages and good things about being the PK’s. So, I recommend making a list. List the postives things about being the Preacher’s Children/Family. Post it on the refrigerator if needed – to remind the whole family. (It helps us as wives to focus on the postives too)
Another thought…
(Our three children are grown)
We NEVER told our children that they could or could not do something because they were the Pastor’s Children. We told them that the decisions we made would be based on scripture. We have a high calling because we are Christians.
Oh… there is so much to say…
Enjoy the journey… it passes all too quickly.
Blessings,
DeeDee