The WalMart? It is mocking me…..

I think it’s fair to say I’ve established that I do not love WalMart.

I know. *GASP*

There was the whole incident about them no longer carrying my 100 Calorie Packs, and my yogurt, and my Mr. Clean sponges. And then there will always be the time I had to fight my way through the square dancing competition. And now, as if all that weren’t enough, they committed the ultimate birthday sin.

All my son had asked for was an ice cream cake for his 12th birthday party. The kid isn’t demanding in the least so of all things I wanted to give him, the specific cake he’d asked for was top of the list. Since we are a bit limited on purveyors of this delicacy in my little town in Alabama, Walmart was the only option. I had seen these cakes in the case 3 days before but didn’t buy one because I wanted it to be fresh. So, me being me, I went to pick one up on the day of the party about 1 hour before all the boys descended on my home. I went to the freezer and what did I find?

There was no cake.

I went to the bakery thinking they had decided to stock them there and the lady said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. We quit carrying those yesterday.”

There is a reason I do not wear our church t-shirt out in public, people. It’s so I don’t embarrass the church or Jesus when I say things like, “You’re kidding, right?” or “If they were discontinued, why didn’t you put a little sign like to give fair warning’ or , “Ma’am, I don’t have time to drive 2 hours to pick up a cake that I should be able to buy here….” when she suggests I drive to the next Walmart 30 miles away.

So you get the unattractive picture?

Well now, at the risk of sounding very un-Baptist, I’m convinced my collective WalMart kharma has returned upon my head.

I found myself forced to go Saturday to pick up some frozen burritos for our parenting class. I know, that sounds like such a great contribution to the finger food bar, but I have to tell y’all if you deep fry them and dip them in salsa they are an absolute delicacy. The reason I went to Walmart to get them is because it seems, in a somewhat weird twist of fate, they are the only place in town that carries the particular variety I like.

The irony wasn’t lost on my Walmart and I think the store had it in mind to give me a kick in the tail on the way out out the door that day. I could almost hear it say, “HA! There you go you smart alec little preacher wife girl. I DID have something no one else had so quit your slander!”
Yes, the store was out to get me because once I was outside on the sidewalk with my bag of burritos an invisible force knocked my sunglasses off my head and to the ground. Mystified, I picked them up and put them back on my face. My vision was immediately blurry so I started fooling with my contact thinking I had also knocked one out of my right eye. I felt that it was still in so I kept on walking to the car, nodding, smiling, and acknowledging everyone who went by. However, I still couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my eye.

I got in the car and took off my glasses so I could figure out why my vision was so blurry. That’s when I saw it.

My right lens had popped out of my sunglasses.

I had walked through the entire parking lot nodding, smiling, and acknowledging everyone who walked by with one black eye and one naked eyeball peering through an empty frame. I pulled the rear view mirror down so hoping I could confirm it wasn’t as noticeable as I feared.

I feared right. I looked like a stinkin’ moron.

And off in the distance I swear I heard a sinister Walmart laugh.

I learned my lesson. I get the point. No need to break my fingers or shoot my kneecaps to send a message.

I am powerless against you, Walmart. You win. You totally win.