Quick Question
Hello girls!
I’m continuing to work on my Married to the Ministry book and something has come up that I’m curious about.
So a quick question….
If you are married to a pastor, etc., do you feel he has ever put pressure on you to ‘behave’ or to be someone you are not for the sake of appearances? (Much in the same way we may sometimes put undue pressure on our pk’s)
If you are not married to a pastor, have you ever witnessed or been made aware of your own ministers criticizing/belittling their wives?
I can’t really say why I ask this other than this is something I’ve not considered much because it is outside my experience. Looking forward to what you may have to say!
My husband probably doesn’t put enough pressure on me. He doesn’t “sign me up” for anything, and isn’t realy crazy when I “sign” myself up for something. I guess he thinks that the “real” members of the church need to see that they are capable of doing what needs to be done without the preachers wife having to do it.
Julie
no, my husband has never put pressure on me to behave, in fact, I have probably put more pressure on HIM! :) My husband has always been supportive of me and my “ways”. when we started down the ministry path, I felt like I did not “look” like any other pastor’s wife I had ever met…I had a career, was very strong willed (i wonder where my kids get it) and a leader. I am a lion/otter and love to play jokes and have fun. I didn’t seem to fit the mold (in my mind) of pastor’s wife. My husband has never made me feel like I needed to change and has always encouraged me to be myself…..I think I am very blessed!
It’s really me! Thanks for dropping in. :-)
I wish you must success on your ministry project.
You never know who’s checking in to see what’s up.
Blessings, Patsy
Well, looky there! And I came right behind her! LOL
Our pastor is so supportive of his wife and does a great job of complimenting her even from the pulpit.
Our previous church was big and I wasn’t around the pastor and wife much.
lay person here… and I have to say that if I ever saw a pastor criticizing his wife in public I would seriously consider finding new spiritual leadership.
I am so happy to say…no ,nope, not ever, not even for a second, has my husband EVER asked me to do…be…or act any other way then me!
Hi Lisa.
I can honestly say that my husband NEVER puts pressure on me to do anything I don’t want to do…..Sometimes he will request that I attend something – a meeting or such but it is never a mandatory thing.
Only from the perspective to help me in my own ministry. (i.e. if perhaps my words might have come across in a negative manner).
He tries his best to keep me from all the “inner workings” and complaints of others because he knows how I will respond (not positively).
He never asks me to do anything, but I often do things I don’t want to do to make him look good. I’m not a saint…just a woman who loves her husband and believes in his calling.
peace~elaine
Hey, Lisa!
This is from another girl who is NOT married to a pastor but I’m very interested in the answers you get to this question! I’ll be back to hear them.
Much love,
Angie xoxo
p.s. I think it’s SO cool that Patsy Clairmont commented on your blog! I love you, Patsy! Thanks for letting the peanut gallery add my two cents! :)
Hello! Mocha with Linda sent me your way :) I haven’t experienced this from my hubby, he’s always been more confident than I have, that God would use me just as I am. And it’s so true! Still though, I always feel an inward pressure to try and be who I think they want/need me to be. It’s always causing me to run back to my heavenly daddy for that reassurance that who He’s made me is…enough. Blessings on your book writing!
Thankfully, no. My husband has been very supportive and knows that I can only be happy and at my best when I am myself.
Our congregations need leaders who are “real”, loving and caring. They need our examples of strength but at the same time, they need to know we are human and approachable. They need to be able to feel that we can relate to them on many levels. If we are not ourselves, we are fakes.
Preacher’s wife here. My initial reaction is to say ‘No! I would be livid if he ever tried!’ And 11 years into this, this is the way it is. However, last summer when we were at our old church and it was utterly horrible and awful and painful and I didn’t even want to step foot in the building, he did have to prompt me to attend and try to smile and focus on the nice people. Not sure I’d say that it was him telling me to fake it; but to step up to the ministry I am in and adjust the attitude as much as possible.
Oh boy, I feel kind of bad saying this since it’s going against the stream in the answer department. First, I’m not PW, but a very observant lay person. One of the reasons we left our previous church (of over 10 years–we helped plant it) was the pressure the pastor put on his wife to be perfect–so much so that we suspected she had an eating disorder to stay “looking perfect.” Most of the time on the surface, he was very complimentary of her, but occasionally he would drop “hints” to her in front of others. It makes me sick just thinking of it now. Here’s an example: when we did our first Beth Moore video series, “Breaking Free” I gave him the materials to approve. When I got them back from him ans asked what he thought, his response was “Man she’s (Beth Moore) good looking!” Not that the study was good or sound biblically or even that Beth was an engaging speaker–simply he commented on her appearance. That speaks volumes to me about the “pressure” this PW was under to maintain her perfect appearance.
~Cheryl
My husband puts no pressure on me whatsoever. He wants me to be who I am, not who he forces me to be… that’s who he says he fell in love with. That being said, I have a desire to please him and try to be the wife and supporter that he needs. So, I put the pressure on myself, so to speak.
There are a few times I have worried what others thought of me, and my husband just says something along the lines of this: make sure you examine your heart before God. If you do this honestly and find that you’ve not done anything against God’s holy Bible, you have nothing to worry about, regardless of what others might think.
I think that is a very good attitude to have.
PK here instead of wife, but I have to say that my dad never put pressure on my mom to look or act a certain way. I have also worked in churches as a youth worker and have now been in my own church with two pastors, and I haven’t seen them put pressure on them either.
I will comment that sometimes I have seen that the wife didn’t attend evening/Wed. services and that was odd to see since it was not what I was accustomed to. But I guess I can understand why they might need a break too!
well Lisa I know I am not a poastor’s wife however my husband does put prussure to help him out in his office , and I don’t like really being there b/c I don’t know what I am doing there but he wnats me to be his right hand there (go fiugure that one)love, marina
Not a ministry wife. I’ve never seen evidence of that kind of pressure in any church I’ve attended. My present church has many pastors and assist. pastors and their wives seem to just be free to be themselves. It’s awesome to see.
My husband is great about not making me attend functions so that I can spend more time focusing on the kids. I will say that he does push (he says encourage) me to become a close friend with the women in the congregation. I don’t feel I click much with the people there. Especially since my job (I am part-time staff, so it really is a job) is to minister to them, I have a hard time thinking of anyone there as a friend. He calls it a growth area, I call it just the way I approach ministry right now.
Senior Pastor’s Wife here:
nope – my husband has never put pressure on me to be something I am not. He has encouraged me to be who I am and to use the talents God has given me.
He encourages me to be me – even when it goes against the “norm”. I wear pants to church- woo hoo!!! I am a blue jean and t-shirt gal- I don’t go that far – but I sure am more comfortable in pants than tight panty hose and dresses.
I am a blessed woman to be married to a man I respect and admire sooo much! He is the absolute best! (sorry girls- he’s mine! :) )
Lisa – I am a Preacher’s wife (for 32 years). My husband – My Pastor – encourages me and lets me be who I am. He pushes me in areas of growth. But not because I am the Preacher’s wife…. but because I am a Christian. Right now, I am trying to stretch my reading – and get on board with some of “his” reading. (Not just my – wife/mother/women/praying – books).
But also I want to add that we NEVER told our childen that they could or could not do something because their daddy was the preacher. We gave them instructions/guidelines because they were Christians and based our decisions on the Word – not daddy’s calling/position.
Blessings as you write your book.
(That is another area he is encouraging me in – He has told me for years that there is a book in me LOL)
I love what deedee wrote about giving instructions based on being a Christian not based on daddy’s job. That is great way to approach it.
i relate to deedee as well. dh definitely challenges me to grow spiritually, but he would do that as a lay person also. mutual accountability, not b/c of my role as PW.
only thing i can think of that might be different if we were just members of the congregation is that i might be able to get away with being more shy. i don’t naturally talk to every visitor, or call people up who haven’t been in awhile to check on them, that sort of thing. but i feel like those lapses will go more noticed when i commit them, so i have to step out of my comfort zone a bit. dh is naturally gregarious, and these things are easier for him than they are for me. don’t want him calling up the single girls, though, so i guess i gotta! dh doesn’t push me to call strangers out of the blue, but he will “remind” me occasionally to follow up with the new girls.
i forgot to address the issue of criticism/belittling. definitely none of that here. once he phrased something poorly in a sermon and i got my feelings hurt. he didn’t mean to, and didn’t realize how it sounded. i talked to him when we were home, and he sent out an apology to everyone who was there.
My husband does not put pressure on me. I think I put it on myself. I have been accused a few years ago of being a part of a clique. I have to watch that, I really just wanted some close friends. I have the close friends I need, but I feel like I have to keep quiet about some things I do with people because I don’t want to be accused of being in a clique. Oh, living in the South!
I am one of those pastor’s wives who does not come on Sun. or Wed. nights. Have you tried bathing and putting 2 preschoolers to bed way past their bedtime? Not for me. I need order and routine in my home, and the kids and I stay home.
Preachers wife here. I havent had any pressure from my husband to do anything or be a certain way. And are making every effort not to put pressure on our kids. Hubby is great about that. My thing is feeling pressure from public and congragation. Even though it is probably never mentioned to anyone involved, but it is there because of what is expected of families that are in the ministry. Meaning they expect you to be a certian way and act a certain way. I really try to just not think about what people think and just be a help to my husband, and raise my children, after all that is what God called me to do and that is all.
Jennifer
I can’t say that I’ve ever been “forced” to be something I’m not because of him saying something. I CAN say that there are times when I’ve walked gingerly because I didn’t want to jeopardize his job with my mouth or my attitude or anything else that could be misconstrued.
I’ve been so blessed because I truly feel I’ve been able to be “Me” in the ministry.
Blessings,
Susan
I’m not married to a pastor, but I realize that they and their families are put in a position (on a pedistal) from which they can all fall off of.
I thank God that my pastor husband has always encouraged me to do the opposite. He wants me to be who I am and to operate in the areas of my spirtual gifts. I definitely have the freedom to be myself! I consider that a gift from my husband!
Kelli
Hope I’m not too late to throw in my 2cents. My husband is the real deal, he believes that we should be the same in church as we are out of church. He is truly authentic, no Sunday appearances for him, and with that he puts no pressure on me.
Me on the other hand, I tend to have some expectations I feel I need to live up to. I probably put more pressure on him than he does on me and I definitely put undue pressure on myself.
ditto to what susan said – the ministry position is to be handled carefully….
as for being “pushed” by my man – never. so far…..
praise the Lord – i’d crumble.
My husband has never put pressure on me. He is my biggest encourager. He loves having me along side of him. He was patient with me and allowed me to ‘come along’ at my own pace.
We are each other’s best spiritual covering and I wouldn’t want to minister with anyone else.
My husband usually sees gifts and talents in me long before I do. But he has never pushed me. Only gently nudged when I needed it.
I’ve been “in ministry” my whole life — I grew up as a preacher’s kid and then married a youth and music minister! (Yep, I was always one of the girls who said I’d NEVER marry a minister but always knew I would.)
Growing up, my dad held my brother and I to very high standards, but never because we were the preacher’s family and never just for appearances. I never saw him pressure my mom to be someone she wasn’t, though of course she still feels obligated to attend functions she doesn’t want to sometimes because of her position. But she’s never been the typical “preacher’s wife.” She has a great sense of humor, but is not really a born leader. She doesn’t play the piano, sing solos or lead the women’s ministry.
As a wife of 2 years serving our first church, I don’t feel as though my husband pressures me to be someone I’m not. He only has to keep me in check when I develop a less-than-godly attitude or when I’m not acting as a believer should — which any good spouse should do.
If anything, throughout my life, I’ve been more critical about how my dad and husband should behave than they have been about me…Thankfully, they don’t always listen. :-)
i wonder if the ‘pressure to be good’ is a ministry mind-set of some church traditions. (trying to be sensitive here). there might be those with unreal expectations that have been handed down for generations.
from reading the above comments and my own life, it seems as if the rest of us are living the blessings of the church wives that went before us. many of them broke the mold, stood for individuality and were real with their congregations. they were relevant, back when relevant wasn’t cool!
what a gift for us!
personally? we have no ‘perfection pressure’ in our ministry. not at this church or the one before it.
whew.
My husband has never pressured me. I think I put undue/unnecessary pressure on myself! I try to be involved where I feel called, and not just for the sake of being busy. I am real, and make no qualms about the fact I am not perfect, nor can I try to be!