Survey: Can a Ministry Wife be
BFF’s With a Church Member?
I want to thank you girls who continually weigh in on the surveys here that I’m relying upon heavily to write my book, “Married to the Ministry”! (David C. Cook – 2009) Several of you have emailed asking how the writing is coming along. In way of a status update, I can tell you I’ve completed 4 chapters with 5 to go. However, I’ve been asked to move my deadline up a few weeks which both thrills me and scares me to death at the same time. I basically have 10 weeks to write 5 chapters so if you notice I blog even less than usual or that it takes me 3 weeks instead of 2 to answer emails, well, now ya know why.
With all seriousness, I covet your prayers more than you can imagine. I have no doubt that God ordained this direction of ministry. Publishing a book is a dream come true but more than that it is a confirmation of the promise of Philippians 2:13 “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” I WANT to glorify God in the written word, but it is the ACTING I have a hard time with. Focus is so very hard when you are trying to complete something that seems darn near impossible all while doing the best you can not to shut out the family God gave as my priority. There is no possible good I can ever do anyone in the name of ministry that will be more important than wife-ing and mothering well. So, if you will pray, could you just ask God to give me passion equal to the task? That my heart would not fail? That my kids and husband would never realize I’ve written a book in these coming months because I was PRESENT with them and not always thinking about some bit of research or commentary?
I thank you.
Now, down to business with the next survey.
Can a Ministry Wife be BFF’s With a Church Member?
Ministry Wives:
What is your perception on having friendships within the church? What is hard about it? What is easy? Ever had a bad experience when impure motives surfaced with someone who wanted to befriend you? Have your friendships ever been criticized by others in the congregation?
LayPeople:
Do you think a minister’s wife should have close friends in the congregation? Do you feel her family shows favoritism? Any negative experiences based on these types of relationships?
As always, I’m sure you can think of more angles than what I’ve presented so feel free to express all your opinions here even if they don’t fit the question. I can’t wait to read your thoughts. I’ll respond after a couple of days!
I am a lay-woman, and answering from that perspective
I believe that ministry wives should find one or two ladies within the congregation who touch her heart and see her life in a way most of the rest of the congregation doesn’t. I think she needs someone to lean on, someone who is courageous enough to be the iron to sharpen her iron–to keep the motives in check on both sides, but more than that, she needs a confidante, someone to laugh with, to share joys and triumphs as well as difficulties and disasters. She needs someone who sees what is going on with the congregation, who can encourage and if needed, correct–with love that comes from the trust built between friends. She needs friends who can carry on to the next church her husband pastors, friends with history and friends for the present. Part of the ministry wife’s heart stays with each church the husband has pastored, a connection is always there.
The cautions I feel that need to be in place are that these friends don’t become a clique of the “popular group,” that the wife doesn’t insulate herself from the rest of the congregation with these friends, and that these friends don’t become a shield.
Normally if you give me a penny for my thoughts, I’d have to give you change back, but I hope that this is a perspective you can use.
What is your perception on having friendships within the church? I have several great friends in the church, however, I find it very hard to “be myself” and to “trust” anyone. We have had some really bad situations that have made my husband and I not as easily trust people as before. I think I probably have one “true friend” in our church family who I can say anything to and trust completely!
What is hard about it? see above! also, not having a job outside the home, I find it to be very lonely..even the friends I do have at church have busy lives and never really understand what it is like…they think I do nothing but “play with kids”…my husband is the youth pastor.
Ever had a bad experience when impure motives surfaced with someone who wanted to befriend you? YES!! I had a youth parent/friend (who was also my beautician) and she would be so nice to my face and while she was cutting my hair and then “trash” me and my hubbie to others. Needless to say, she is no longer my beautician!
Have your friendships ever been criticized by others in the congregation? yes, people always “unfairly” put us on a pedestal! We are normal people with normal thoughts and normal home lives…in the ministry, we realize that we are only here to please God and not others….not everyone is going to be our biggest fan all the time!
I know we were told in seminary not to make close friends in the congregation. But rules were made to be broken! Actually, I think times have changed and we have always had close friends in our congregation. We don’t hang with them all the time at church events – in fact we hardly see each other at church events – but we spend time together “after hours” so to speak.
Interestingly, when we first came here 20 years ago there was another gal my age who I could tell really wanted to be my friend. I didn’t encourage it – because of “the seminary rule”. However, eventually I decided to follow my heart instead of what was in my head – and this gal has become my biggest encourager. We are sister chicks forever! I’m so glad I listened to what made sense to me. All that time God had a purpose for her in my life and I wasn’t listening.
But I do think it’s important to not just be with your friends – as ministry wives/partners we need to be always getting to know new people and helping them to assimilate in the congregation.
Lisa – I think the answer to your questions so depends on each unique situation. I have had close friends in every church where my husband has pastored but I have been burned as well. I think, unfortunately, that it really takes time to figure out who you can really trust. Therefore, pastor’s wives should really be careful who they talk to. And, the cardinal rule is, never ever, ever talk badly about another staff person or any member of their family. (Not that we would ever do that about anyone, right?) The staff should always present a united front. My husband and I are just regular people and we hang with people we have stuff in common with.
Girl, though we’ve never met I feel so proud for you … I know you can do it! I am praying for you!
Jeanette
Hey, girl. I’ll email you privately on this one! :)
Hey Friend,
I have lived this one recently. I will give you the short version here and email you the long one.
I am finding friendships within the church to be a real challenge. I have recently dealt with real jealousy issues from others in the congregation and even mistreatment of a friend by those who were jealous. I have also detected some jealousy from a friend over others I talk to.
In a nutshell, it is easier for me to try and not develop deep relationships within our congregation. I want to be at a place where I can minister to all the women and not lose their trust or cause them to feel like they are not as important to me as others.
I think there will always be those that we are closer to than others in our church but we have to be careful and not show favoritism!
Kelli
I have, in all honestly, given up on having BF in church we pastor. I have been burned and feel its best to develop those friendships with other ministers wives or ladies outside the church. It gives me a place to vent–no holds barred– and has been the best route for me. I have known very lonely times but since I have a few close friends outside my church, its not so lonesome. I have people now i could call anyday any time and get the support I need. Praise god for that.
A pastor’s wife shouldn’t let other people’s issues (jealousy or whatever) keep her from having godly friendships within the church.
I’ve never dealt with people trying to befriend me for wrong motives, at least not that I’m aware of. :)
I think we just have to seek God’s direction in friendships and be aware of those little ‘checks in our spirit’ that are God’s way of warning us.
As our dear Beth says, Love smart not blindly.
As a PK, I know that my mom has always kept from developing really close friendships with most of the women in the churches where my dad has pastored. She was burned really badly by a few women in one church who only wanted to be her friend for the status symbol. Then when she became friends with another woman in the church (simply because they had a lot in common and this woman was a true friend) the other women were terrible to both my mom and the friend resulting in church wide problems later on. Since then, she keeps her distance. I’ve always felt badly for her.
As a lay person in my own church, I wholeheartedly agree that our pastor’s wife should have close friends in our church who have similar interests as she does and may be close to the same age. I don’t feel like any favoritism is involved, she just needs to have women she can be close with and trust.
I will add that, as a previous commenter mentioned, the popularity cliques that can sometimes occur with the pastor’s wife are not good and I’m not ok with that. My husband’s former church (and where the in-laws still go) has this situation. The pastor’s wife is downright rude to anyone who is not in her clique. It’s embarrassing to watch and would definitely prevent me from ever being interested in joining that church.
From a Pastor’s Wife perspective: I do have a dear friend at our church. However, our friendship didn’t happen right away. It took probably 3-4 years before she and I realized how close of friends we’d become (my husband’s been pastoring here for about 7 1/2 years). She is an excellent church best friend for me in so many ways. She’s active and talented in the ways I’m not. I’m better at administrative issues, she’s better at the creative issues. I’m good at organizing, she’s great at bringing the fun to the party. When we lead Bible Studies together, I’m the play-by-play gal (bringing structure and a plan) and she’s the color commentator (knowing how to engage conversation as it comes up).
She’s also someone I can confide in. I would go crazy without her. (I don’t know if it’s worth the mentioning, but I’m 30 and she’s, well, she’s about twice my age.)
I think folks know we’re dear friends, but we’re far from exclusive. Sure, we love to do things just the two of us, but we also love all the other women in our church dearly. And we’re different enough that there’s things we enjoy doing with others. Together we cultivate community.
The preacher’s wife is human and needs friends just like anyone else. Those that you choose to be close to, hang out with or let your children play with should reflect you and your relationship in a Godly way at all times, not just in the church but in the community as well, this best friend should represent your friendship in a Christian manor. As with any best friend, we must be fruit inspectors……if they don’t bear good fruit, then they should not be associated with because it will only ruin the reputation of the Pastor’s wife and family.
I’ve sent you a long email. I hope it is helpful and would love the opportunity to clarify things if need be.
I’m a preacher’s kid, a pastor’s wife, and the daughter-in-law of a best friend to her pastor’s wife! :) I’ve thought much about this issue and have seen it lived in front of me. Thank you for the opportunity of sharing!
This will be fun for me. Okay, Yes to your question because I am the bff of a pastor’s wife. I forgot the other question, hang on,,,here is my take on this, if God ordains a friendship for a pastor’s wife that happens to be a church member, then of course I think it is fine. God put Cecelia and I together as prayer partners. Our friendship grew out of being prayer partners. The negative, I didn’t get favortism at all nor would I want to. I got the other end of it. Not saying this has mean or out of spite. He made sure he didn’t show favortism because of our friendship. Also, if people were mad at her, they were mad at me. They looked at us as one person. I knew if her husband and her had been quarreling because he wouldn’t speak to me. She would tell you the same thing. We laugh about it. It was hard for me not to speak my mind when she was being mistreated and I had to watch myself. Being a bff of a pastor’s wife, but also a Ladies Sunday School Teacher, and women’s counselor, I had to watch myself. Most people felt threatened by our friendship. You have to be careful who you befriend, a lot of prayer needs to go into it because some people want to be your friend because you are the pastor’s wife and for no other reason. I hope that helps. :o)
Love,
Patty
I am learning, and the learning has been painful, that I need a balance of both…close friends in the church, but also close friends who are not affiliated with my church. And you have to prayerfully….prayerfully choose the church friends because there are some who just want to be friends with you to know what goes on behind the scenes…
Hmmm. Because I am with the kiddo’s a lot at church, and we are a newer church, many people don’t know who I am. This gives me an advantage to get to know people before they “know me.” :) I can always tell when they have connected the dots. They begin to treat me differently some try to cozy up, some become more reserved. I think it depends what that persons perspective is on the pastor’s wife. Who knows they could have been burned by their last pastor’s wife. :) I have also seen women try and cozy up to me then bam, I find out they are really trying to get me to manipulate my husband to do something that would be for their benefit, usually some program or ministry they want started or a complaint about someone. etc.. I think on my blog I posted about being careful with this type of woman.
Now to your question:) I do think if God brings a BFF to you in your church then consider it a gift and embrace it. They are usually a rare find for any pastor’s wife.
Again, we haven’t been in full time ministry for a long time. So, of course, I haven’t really had much of a chance for strong friendships to develope. (Not to mention there aren’t very many ‘active’ ladies in my age range either) In all honesty, I don’t have many close friends outside of family. Sometimes that is hard because it does get lonely. I sometimes kind of feel isolated. Like someone mentioned, we are human.. and we need friendships. To answer your questions though: I don’t see anything wrong with ‘God-ordained friendships’, that phrase being key though. I think it’s important to be careful to keep your closeness outside of the church doors. I am not suggesting you lie about your friendships at all. I think you just have to be careful in church/ministry settings. We just have to remember that at church functions our job is to (#1 support our husband and family to love and be friendly to all members. Outside of the church it’s totally fine to invite your BFF over for some girl time though. I just don’t think that ‘girl time’ should happen at the Women’s Tea! Am I making any sense?? I have never really had much experience with this though, that is just my take on things. :)
I struggle with this one. Here are my thoughts. Too much caffeine today. Sorry if this is TMI.
We have been in the full-time ministry 8 years.
I once found myself involved in a special friendship with 3 other women from Church. It was awesome but I later found out that some felt I was being a cliché. I try to be more aware now.
I have tried socializing with as many people as we could but then, we find our selves exhausted with no family time and I find that we are trying to schedule dinners a month or two out.
Sometimes people want to be our friends cause they think they know us but when they find out we own the first 7 seasons of seinfeld they realize we are not so perfect and then they might not want to be at the church as much.
I have found once or twice we have been invited to a dinner that turned into a pitch for how someone is called to be an elder. I do not find this to be too common.
Most of the people in our lives are amazing, awesome and a blessing but I feel like I am only a superficial friend to them because I only talk to them when they call but I rarely have time to make calls, we homeschool.
I sometimes makes me feel like I cannot be myself without letting someone down but I am not very good at trying to be someone else and I do not want to try harder.
When people leave the church I sometimes feel like they broke up with me. :-) I still care about they even if they do not go to our church.
Right now I am blessed to have the Bible College Coordinators wife in my life, she is my prayer partner. (and she has more seinfeld that we do)
I have had many wonderful women come into my life but it seems they do not stay for too long.
Maybe a ministry wife should not have her BFF’s at the church but in many of the cases including mine, there is not time for anything else but the church
I am blessed by a wonderful husband, family and church. My phone rings all the time but at times it can be lonely.
Sorry not cliché but that I was part of a click (I am not sure of the correct spelling)
Lisa,
I sent you an epic email.
Bet
I think it can be done, but it is challenging. I have had best friends in my church and have also been burned (once severely).
One of the issues that you face with a BFF in the church is that you can’t share everything with them and they need to be okay with that. there are issues that you will deal with that you just have to do on your own and sometimes that is hard on a friendship. Also, there are things you can’t always share because it is “their” church too. You may leave if God calls you else where, but they most likely have to stay and it is hard on them if they “know too much”.
that being said, I think that if God places a good friend in your life, you are blessed and it doesn’t matter where they go to church! I am just very careful of who I open up to and allow those friendships to develop over time, not over night.
I got some great advice from another pastor’s wife once: she said that when she starts a ministry at a new church, she will actually “leak” info to other women to see what comes back to her. It is a great way to find out who she can trust and who she can’t.
The one time I was burned by a friendship, was also my fault. I was so desperate for a friend and I allowed a woman into my inner circle that should never have been there. She was so much fun to be with but she was a brand new christian and her walk was not strong enough to stand up to the pressures of being BF of the pastor’s wife. In retrospect, I really should have seen that early on.
We have been in our current church over a year now and I have to say that I don’t have a BF yet, but I have a lot of friendships that are developing. I have learned not to rush those relationships….good friends take several years of doing life together to develop!
When my husband and I was just saved, and started going to a Church, it was like the Pasors wife was untouchable, she seemed stuffy and didn’t want to really talk to anyone but her close friends… That really hurt, I felt I was getting looked down, now I don’t know if that was really what she was doing but that is the way it felt..
Well after two years we moved and we are in a different Church and I became fast friends with the Pastors wife, she is a great women that I look up to and we can talk about anything… She also doesn’t shun anyone, she is friendly and out going, when she says something she is sinsere… so I think if they don’t find close friends then they need to make people feel welcome… Isn’t that what God would want???
I can’t wait to read this book..
Connie
GBU
Speaking as a lay person. I believe they should, I can’t imagine that ministry wives should have to, or feel they have to go outside the “home church family” to have a couple of best friends. I would think that would make them feel a disconnect from the body.
I mean, I love to go to church and say hello to friends, but it is extra special when you know you are going to see your BF that day also. Even if it’s just a couple of minutes.
I think it may appear there is favoritism, only if the MW never interacts with anyone except the BF.
We just have to understand that they are people just like we are, and we have BFs so why can’t they?
I think it depends on the curch you go to if you go to a super big one where there are like 10,000. members there is no way you will ever meet the pastors wife unless you give BIG MONEY!!! sad but ture.
Most pastors wife’s seem to stay away form people and its sad. You are the first person I have know that has allow me to be close to you and thats b/c we blog.
And then I have one friend that is a pastors wife but is too busy for a firendship we always miss each other. So in a whole nut shell I really don’t think its out there at least not in the city maybe in smaller towns ,I don’t feel close to anyone at our chruch its sad but ture.marina
Be patient with me, this is my first comment. Oh, but this is important. I am a preachers wife and have lived the horrors and the blessings of this life. At our last church we became fast friends with several different families. The jealousy between the families was absolutely ungodly. After fighting it for over a year we left the ministry for a while just to get out of that particular church. We attended another church for 6 months before the Lord put us back to work in the pulpit. In those 6 months I became close friends with a deacons wife. Since we moved back into the ministry I have very deliberately backed off from the friendship per an elders request. It is heartbreaking how ministers wifes and kids are treated as property of the church sometimes. Life in the ministry has changed so much. A few years ago I can say I had never cooked a Sunday meal because members always invited us over. In the last year, we have only had one meal from a member. The churches seem to be getting very impersonal. So Sad.
I’m a P.K. I think that good friendships are a gift from God wherever they are found. Growing up as a PK, it was always nice just to feel ‘normal’. And that came by church people just being friends. Not putting us on pedistals. If certain people feel threatened, I think that is a reflection of their insecurity. Pastors and their families NEED healthy friendships. And it should be with other church families to build community.
I hope I can comment on this as a Preacher’s Kid (and therefore, a Preacher’s Wife’s kid).
I have NO PROBLEM with preachers’ wives being bff’s with other ladies in the church. That being said, it’s a tricky position to be in. The preacher’s wife has to have boundaries within the friendship that state “I will not talk about church personnell issues with my friend, I will not talk about who came in for counseling with my husband (even though I’ll have no idea what they were counseled on because a preacher would never tell – not even his wife), I will not express my (occasional and temporary) dissatisfaction with the church because my friend obviously loves it and is probably not dissatisfied or she would go someplace else, etc”.
Unlike most friendships, the friend usually has no connection to her bf’s husband’s work. This is different in a preacher’s wife/bff in the church situation. The preacher’s wife has to realize that the friend is connected to all of these people.
My mom worked as a church secretary for a long time. She would not, however, work for her church (my dad was with the State Convention – not the local church) because she didn’t want to see the “business side” of her pastor. A lot of people agree with that, which can make friendships with the wives hard. She has always had best friends, but none of them have been church members.
The difference is – the church is a place for all people to be spiritually fed. For preachers and their families, it’s a place to literally be fed, too. It pays the bills. For those who are only “spiritually fed” by the church, having the church be a job can be a hard concept to understand.
I am a PK, a staff wife. I feel we need friends just as much as anybody else. I try to just be me to whomever I meet. Their expectations are just that … theirs. As long as I’m doing what the Lord would have me to do; I can’t and don’t worry about meeting “so and so’s expectations”. This has taken some time. I have sweet, Godly friends but I am very careful. I do not share at all personal things going on within the church. I have found women friends that truly understand this and actually find it “trustworthy” to know I also won’t be sharing their dirty laundry with anyone. Ministry is very lonely at times. I try to be kind to everyone I meet. There are always ones you connect to more than others; but we are to friendly to all. A staff wife who has her “four and no more” is a disgrace. I love meeting new ladies; I look at it as a potential friend. I have been burned for sure and I am cautious; but I will not close myself off in a box and be unreachable.
Joy
Can a Preacher’s Wife be BFF’S with girls from the congregation???
Ummm…yeah, of course. Sheesh.
HA!
When I read this this morning my first thought was just that- of course! As I thought about it more and more throughout the day today I realized what a struggle a PW’s friendships might be.
You have so many people to smile at, hug, and talk to. I’m not sure I could be so social ALL the time. I’m sure PW are spread thin between all the women in the church who want to be their friends yet still need those true close friends for support, encouragement, and someone to confide in. I hope you do have that friendship with someone and I hope the women in our church never put that burden on you of jealousy and resentment.
(You didn’t speak to me this morning by the way….HAHAHAHA)
Just kidding….well you didn’t but I’ll get over it. No, really I will. *Sniff, sniff* Ha!
In all seriousness though, I thank God often that we have a preacher’s wife who is approachable, friendly, and a true genuine child of God!
Love,
Your BFF-WB, (BFF-wanna be)
Brooke
I am a preachers wife and I think that YES, we can have bff’s in church.
In our first church I had 2 bff’s and 10 years later(and 3 churches later) we are still bff’s. We are the same age, have children the same age, and our husbands are friends as well. We didn’t always agree how “church” was done, but it was good to see, upclose, how people in the congregation felt about things that were going on.
I was once told by a lady when we first went to a new church that she wasn’t going to make friends with me, because “pastors just leave.” I thought it was terribly sad. I told her that pastors-do leave, but we don’t know when that will be. And in the time being we all need friends-the PW and the church member. I would have missed out on so much fun, had church members not sought me out and become my friend(I’m not sure how to make that sentence grammatically correct).
I find it hard to have friends outside of my church. It seems like I have more in common with the people that believe the same way I do and have the same activities at the same time I do,(camp, ski trips, moms nite out, vbs). I think this speaks of me more on a personal level than on a PW level. I am a home-schooling mom of 4, between that and church-I don’t get out much!!!
Julie
Lisa, speaking strictly from the lay person’s side, I consider myself friends of two of our pastor’s wives. I often think about how difficult it must be for them with such a large congregation that we have (I believe it’s around 4,000 currently). Both of these ladies have other friends in our congregation that are more their “BFF”s, and I have never felt they play favorites, I have only thought of them as women, and their closest friends are those who have a lot in common with them as far as age, and being married with children around the same ages, and they just hit it off. However, if I need an urgent prayer, I call these women and they are ON IT! And they will come over immediately if I need them.
I don’t know if this helps, but I wish you well on the book and will be praying for you as you work on it!
Michelle
I loved Patty’s comment. And I say AMEN to all that she posted. God truly did put us together as friends and prayer partners. I thank God for her friendship every day ! I could talk to her if I was “mad” at my husband and she would help me pray it through but she would not hold a grudge against him.
As a minister’s wife you have to be very careful about who becomes your BFF. Pray, pray, pray and ask for God’s direction and confirmation for your friend. God does want us to have BFFs and He will bring one into your life if you ask.
Thank God for Patty !
Blessings
Cecelia
I think if you connect with someone in the church, you can be a BFF! You need a BFF. You are only human, you need friendship. Sure, jealous people will talk but they talk about something or someone anyway right? You go girl! Love You!! Thanks for my hug today, I won’t tell anyone!!hahaha
ok, wow, i guess i’m super naive. some of these stories make me so sad!
the church is for community. not social networking. community like the community within the trinity. how can we preach that while keeping all the women in the congregation at a safe distance???
in our church, if someone was manipulating me for some sort of status or influence, my husband would bring down church discipline on her husband. does that sound harsh?
sure, there are lots of women out there who are not suitable as close companions. but that’s what the church is for. to keep your distance from someone because she is in your church sounds truly bizarre to me.
i’m sure i sound so naive. right now i’m really thankful that our congregation is small, and doesn’t contain troublemakers. i’m sure my time is coming.
My best friend is from college. Her husband is a pastor, we are missionaries. We have not lived in the same town in 15 years, yet we talk almost every day. She is the one who knows all there is to know. I am the one who knows all about them. We both have good friends where we are, but it is not the same. I do think it depends, but sometimes, safe is better than sorry.
First of all Lisa let me say how excited I am for you! I can’t wait for this book to come out! Here is the view from a layperson – Yes I do think it’s O.K. for a pastors wife to have a BFF that is part of the congregation, after all she isn’t a stone, she needs relationships as well. I think that both have to be very careful in what is said in certain sitauations though. It is hard for a pastor’s wife to totally let everything and not let certain things out that maybe should be held in confidence between her husband and herself. But actually we all need to do that. I do believe there are people with impure motives, but I personally have not heard of any. When I was younger I used to think there was favortism shown, and maybe that was the case, but we all can’t be BFF’s now can we!
Hey Lisa,
I am a lay person. I think it is important for a pastor’s wife to have a best friend or several in the congregation or out of the congregation, who encourages her and blesses her and points her continually to Christ and unity in the body of Christ.
I think there are some folks out there in in ministry, who have been so dog-gone burned by a “friend” in their congregation that they are terrified to be themselves and be a friend in church. I have seen this situation about four times over the years.
It is my privilege to be a pray-er for my pastor’s wife. I love to stand in prayer for her, because I want her to be all that God has made her to be (and not what others expect her to be). In fact, I just prayed specifically over her this morning, as they are about to have a three month Sabbatical.
I am praying for you, dear Sister!
Love,
holly
I think it’s okay for pastors’ wives to have friends within the church, as long as they don’t shut other people out. We don’t have many women in our church my age (and I have nothing in common with those who come close), so my best friends in the church are our youth parents. There is one family in particular who tend to stay after church and spend more time with us, so we eat lunch together a lot. We just seem to click with this family, though I’m careful not to give them all my attention while we’re at church events. Still, I’m concerned about how the other youth families perceive our relationship. I certainly don’t want to play favorites.
One downside of becoming so close to this family is the difficult time they’ve had accepting that we’re moving on to a new church. They seem to take it personally. Everyone else in the church has encouraged us as we follow God’s will for our lives, but it’s almost as though they’ve DIScouraged us, like they’re trying to make us change our minds.
I want our friendship with this family to continue, even after we’ve moved to our new church, but I know I’ll want to pull away if they don’t show support for our ministry decisions.
I am limited on time, so I didn’t read all the comments before mine. I hope I’m not repeating too much. I’m a college student and have gone to the same church for the last 14 years. Here’s my 2 cents!
I think your topic is referring to ALL ministry wives, not just pastor’s wives. One problem I’ve seen and experienced time and time again is the relatively short time ministers serve at a church. On average, ministers (excluding the Senior Pastor) have stayed at the church I attend for 3-4 years each. Some longer, some shorter. Knowing this makes it hard to want to develop new friendships. Once you pass the “awkward, everybody is new” stage and REALLY get to know some people, the time you have at that church is short. This works both ways — laypeople are hesitant to want to form these friendships, knowing that they’re setting themselves up for heartbreak in a few short years when the minister’s family moves. On the other side of the issue, some minister’s wives take the “why bother … we’ll be leaving in a few short years anyway” attitude.
Cliques are another problem I’ve seen. When the minister’s wives have their close group of friends within the church, it’s nearly impossible for others to befriend them.
With that said, I do have a very close friend/mentor-like figure who is a minister’s wife. She and I traveled together on a missions team from our church. Honestly, when I was first getting to know her (past the “she’s the music minister’s wife” stage), I didn’t want a friendship to emerge because I knew that she would be leaving soon (see the average time frame above). I felt that I would be setting myself up for heartbreak when that happened. Well, it’s happening now. But, even though I’m sad and knew this was comming, I can’t lose sight of the fact that she’s had a tremendous impact on my life and we’ve had such fun times together. That’s something I would have missed out on had God done things my way when I prayed for this friendship NOT to be there (wow, that sounds weird to say … but I’d befriended too many other minister’s wives right before they left … I know that pain all too well!!).
Hope this helps!
I totally just stumbled onto this blog, but I just wanted to mention my experience.
I have gone to a large church for all of my 28 years- we have approx. 30,000 on the membership rolls although that is certainly not how many people are “active”. In a situation like this obviously the pastor’s wife is not as much of an issue- she remains approachable yet certainly has her own friends. Our pastors tend to stick around as well, we have only had 4 in 80 years.
BUT, we do see the same issues on a smaller level in Bible Fellowship classes and various ministries.
I know that one of the frustrations I have heard from some who consider themselves not to be part of the “inner circle” is simply the fact that they often feel like they are not needed- they aren’t going to offer to help or support these ministers and their wives because they feel like it is already taken care of. People like to feel needed or like they have something to offer and having a core group of friends sometimes makes that harder to balance. I hope that makes sense.
That being said, I do feel like anyone who begrudges their pastor/ministers wife a true friendship is very very selfish. It is so sad to think that you would want someone else to be lonely and isolated simply so that you don’t have to feel left out or whatever. Those people do not have your best interests at heart.
One last thing, something I have seen a lot of wives do (actually this is true of other friends I have in the ministry, not so much my church) is to befriend some of the older generation at the church- it cuts out on some of the jealousy issues and these women often love spending time with younger women and their children. I know it is not the same as having a relationship with someone who is in the same place as you, but these women usually have lots of wisdom and can be a great asset without so much drama :)
Lisa, I struggle with this all the time. I long for a BFF in the church. Sometimes so much that it becomes a sin. I grew up moving around so much that I didn’t have my first REAL BF until college. God blessed me with someone that went through many of the same struggles as I had as a child. We developed such a strong bond that we can go months without talking and once we call we can pick up a conversation like it started yesterday.
I struggled with this at our last church. The community was so close that you almost had to be born there to “fit in” We were there for 4 years and only 1 couple ever came over to our house and only on one occasion. We did have a minister friend in town that we developed a friendship with, but not with in our own church family.
At our current church I am developing friendships with people. But we have only been here a year and a half now so these friendships are still developing.
I do think it is possible to develop a BFF kind of friendship with a memeber of the church. I think it is possible but sometimes wonder if it is attainable. I think that in order for it to be attainable we have to have that kind of relationship with the Lord first. Because that relationship with the Lord will guide us in that relationship with our BF. I feel that if we allow Him to be that guide, then that “earthly” relationship we so long for will fall in our laps.
As for being burned…..I have been there….but lesson’s were learned from it and discernment was “reborn” in me as a result. Doesn’t everything happen for a reason?
HI! I hope that I can comment on your subject- I found your blog thru Nate and Trish’s- blog. I am not a Pastor’s wife- but my husband and I did go to China as missionaries (short term) However, my comments are not on who are my friends or not—In a church that I have attended, the Pastor’s wife has a small group of close friends, that they had not let anyone new into their group the entire time that my husbnad and I attended that church. It was very sad for anyone not chosen to be friends with them- Now I really guess that it can be done right- I just have not seen it my self ever. I have only been a beleiver for a few years- and there are really alot of things that don’t make sense….. I guess that I am on the side of having a few really close friends from other church’s (maybe same kind of church in a near town. So that you do have someone to talk to about the true, deep things. I have a very close friend that is a minister’s wife and I am her very “safe” person, we talk and pray together all of the time- We also do not live in the same town (suer wish that I did- she is a doll!!!) I do enjoy your blog- and would love to email at any point if you would like to- Thanks for letting me share this!
Pam
A BFF may be able to come from a larger church but I am a PW in a church of 50-100 and I find it impossible to get past the notion that this is someone I should be ministering. I can enjoy our time together and some I even call a friend, BUT there is always something I hold back in the relationship. I also find it hard to have a BFF outside the church though because I never have enough time to meet with those ladies that I feel I could be close to. It can be a lonely job sometimes!
As a layperson I have to say this:
I do believe God places each of us in a church, no matter our title or role to find a special someone with whom we can be nothing but our honest to God selves whether it’s for a season or lifetime.
Of course it can be a double edged sword, but I also think any friendship with anyone can be a double edged sword.
I am a youth pastor’s wife and have never found myself “intimidated” about having a BFF in the church. I need my sistas! BUT on the other hand, my mom, who is a pastor’s wife, is very conscious about hurting anyone and being in a “group” or having a BFF. I appreciate her sensitiveness but I believe she can get very lonely….we all do, but her more so….She and I are very close though. That helps ; ) I will never understand ministry and the expectations put upon us and I have been raised in it and married into it…..
OH boy! This is so tough! I have had good and bad relationships in church. My husband pastored a small chuurch in seminary and I met a deacon’s wife the first night we were there who just clicked with me. We had kids the same age (our older sons were BFF’s) and our husbands were best pals too. Our families would party together all the time. I loved them! We are still great friends (she surprised me yesterday with a card in the mail) It was wonderful! However, it was met with some jealousy….and backlash (even though no one else wanted to be friends with us…and we were not exclusive). Our next church we were more careful and I experienced so much loneliness! I am BFF’s with a group of PW’s form seminary. Even though we all live in different states, we chat every week and email daily and get together at the convention in summer etc…We meet at the beach & vacation.
My experience is…..it comes down to maturity! If you are in a church family that is deeply committed to following the Father and it shows in past and current behavior. You may be able to find a bff there. I would always be so careful and not be vulnerable to the point of destruction by them. It can put the flesh in a tempting position, I think. Just be smart! My very BFF are other’s like me….PW’S
Most people just can’t handle it for some reason.
Lisa:
I sent you an email with my answers to your questions. It’s too long to be used as a comment. Loved reading all these comments. You should be able to get what you need from all these dear ladies in blogland!
Sherry
This is tough and reading the other comments has made me much more sensitive to how hard it must be to be a PW.
In our last church, the whole church had a little problem with being cliquish. So the PWs seemed to be the head cheerleaders. All nice, but all with an inner circle that I felt excluded from.
Maybe that was my own insecurities. Or maybe they were snobs. I honestly don’t know which one it was – or maybe a little of both.
I do know that, I would invite them to my babies’ baptism brunches, and they would not show up or even RSVP. And then the next weekend I would go to a Superbowl party for someone in the inner circle and they would all be there..and it made me feel, well, like the fat kid who didn’t get picked for kickball. Wasn’t my child’s baptism more important than a Superbowl party?
But, then, shouldn’t they be able to go to whatever parties they want to and skip the ones they don’t?
It is a sticky issue, that is for sure.
I’m currently a layperson but my family is full of pastors and my husband is a seminary graduate in the midst of interviewing for three different pastoral positions, so I’ve been thinking through things like this! I absolutely think the pastor’s wife can and should have close friends in the congregation if possible. You do have to be careful with it … but you also need to be careful not to isolate yourselves in that fishbowl!
as a lay person I can see how congregational friendships would have to be managed properly.
you don’t want to develop an “in group” to the point where a hurting member of your congregation doesn’t feel like they can approach you. But I also feel that everyone needs good Christian friends. If you happen to find one in your congregation, relish it. and keep in touch for life.
Just came across your site. Great Stuff. Now to answer your question. I have had a hard time with the friendship thing, because it has been used by some to cause division. Claiming to have the inside scoop or using information to harm my husband. I have found out that the only women I will trust with anything personal are the ones that pray with me. Not just the surface prayers but the ones that are actually on their knees with me. It is hard to betray someone with whom you have talked with God with. I am blessed to have three friends that have prayed with me through a lot of struggles (as I have them). What is incredibly awesome is that I very rarely see them on Sunday morning, so not many people know how much I rely on them.