Survey: Knowing When to Say No
Hello, girls! I hope this Monday morning is as beautiful where you are as it is here in my town. As I type I am in my favorite porch swing listening to the tunes from my wind chimes. It is a balmy 75 degrees and a breeze is blowing just enough to keep my bangs out of my eyes while I work. Have you ever heard the Fernando Ortega song, This Good Day? Well, girlfriends, it is one and I intend on rejoicing in it!
So, as is the routine when I’m preparing for Chapter Next in the Married to the Ministry Book – it’s question time! I hope if you didn’t have the opportunity to chime in on the ‘Effects of Ministry Life on Marriage’ Survey that you’ll visit that link in my sidebar. There wasn’t a great deal of feedback on that one in comparison to the other topics so if you somehow think the questions weren’t relevant or if you have more to add, the post remains open.
Today’s topic deals with boundaries, or more specifically, knowing when to say no. When Luke and I were first called to service in the church, I don’t think I comprehended it was within my rights to say no to any request made of me – whether it was keeping nursery or directing VBS or hosting a holiday gathering in our home. I just assumed if I were the pastor’s wife and the church wanted me to take something on that it was my responsibility as Luke’s wife to get it done.
It was literally years before I began to get a true grasp on Romans 12 and what it means to have an individual gift that could be manifested however God led and I chose. Luke has also made it clear to me and our churches that my physical health and happiness come first and he doesn’t want me taking on one single project if it means I’ll be burdened instead of blessed by doing it.
That doesn’t mean I’ve always listened to him. There have been seasons of extreme burnout and downright depression. Times when studying Scripture has become a chore instead of a pipeline into the presence of Almighty God. Periods when I just wanted to stay home because I dreaded all the work that had to be done when I got to the church house. Am I talking to anyone out there?
Enough about me….Let’s talk about your experience.
For Ministry Wives:
*Do you ever find yourself taking on way too many responsibilities? Do you have any thoughts on why you do it to yourself?
*Has your emotional and spiritual health ever suffered because of lack of boundaries?
*Do you have a sense of a personal ministry calling? How do you manage what you believe God would have you do as an individual in contrast with your calling to support your husband in his ministry?
*Give me some examples of new ministries you’ve begun within your churches that have been ‘your babies’ so to speak.
For Lay People:
* Do your ministry wives ever seem tired? Do you feel they are trying to take on too much?
* Are there areas of ministry you’ve been interested in serving but you feel there is no opportunity because the MW always jumps to fill the spot?
* Do your MW’s possess personal gifts that have enhanced your pastor’s?
As always, these are just a few questions to get you started. Feel free to elaborate to your heart’s content.
Thank you again for sharing your wisdom with me!
Not really answering your questions, just sharing some wisdom.
I was blessed with a mentor for a season who gave me these two gems:
1- Whenever someone asks you to do something, tell them “I’ll think about it, pray about it, talk to my husband about it, and get back to you by this date.” Then write it on your calendar. If they say, I need an answer right now, the answer is no.
I especially love the “ask my husband” one, because husbands are so very good at saying, “What? Are you out of your mind?”
2- Every time you hear yourself say “I should”, red flags should go up all over. Usually “I should” means you are being motivated by guilt, and most things we do out of guilt only lead to resentment and a sour attitude. And that does nothing to further the Kingdom. The Lord loves a cheerful giver. Not a “Why am I having to teach VBS again this year when So-and-So has never once done it?” Lucky kids in your class. If that’s how you feel…just say no.
Of course some ‘shoulds’ we do have to do, like it or not. But many times another ministry opportunity will come along soon that we are actually excited about. And, maybe we just need to examine whether we truly are being selfish. Either way, SHOULD is a big red flag.
Wow…go Missy@it’s almost naptime! Excellent advise!
As a layperson, I’ve had the privilege to work alongside several pastors’ wives at the various churches we’ve been part of in different states. With the exception of one, they were ALL tired and ALL took on too much.
Two of the churches were church-plants, so they wore a lot of hats whether they wanted to or not. In two cases, I helped start the women’s ministry, and even though those MW’s were so glad to have someone else heading it up, they had a terrible time letting go of it.
The one that seemed to have the best handle on things was one that wasn’t, by nature, a people-pleaser (a common denominator in the others – interesting). She was very loving and an excellent compliment to her husband, but she knew where to draw the lines and how to allow others the blessing of serving in their areas of giftedness. Even though this church was also relatively new (we like to get in on the ground floor!), her ability to draw effective boundaries kept her from seeming completely worn out. She was a vibrant representative of God, her husband and her church. I have a LOT I could learn from her! :o)
Have a great day!
Melinda
I don’t feel as though I’ve been overloaded just yet, but I have taken on some things before because I felt as though they were a duty, but not within my spiritual gifts…such as teaching a first- and second-grade VBS class. Even though this was not my calling and I had no clue what I was doing, I learned a lot about kids. The next year, I directed VBS — something I agreed to hesitantly, but it fit with my gift of administration (I’m a much better administrator than a teacher!).
I have also said “no” to some things (such as becoming WMU president) because I didn’t want to take away from my more important callings at the time, such as working with the youth and leading women’s Bible study.
I’m still learning how my individual assignments fit with my husband’s music and youth ministry. I’m glad to take on tasks of my own, as long as they never take me away from my primary role of supporting him. I’ve noticed that when I do become involved in other ministries, he supports me in those just as much!
Here is where my “strong personality” helps me out. Who knew it would ever come in handy! I have NO trouble saying no. I think it relates to an earlier question you asked about do we feel we have a calling to a certain ministry. My answer is…..yes, yes, yes….I feel like I am just as called to student ministry as my husband. Because of that I LOVE serving there. I learned long ago that If I said yes to something to that I was not gifted in then I am taking not only the privilege away from someone else but the responsibility away from someone else that God gifted and called to do it!
Missy, I think I love you!!!
I am going to take your advice and share it.
I take on to much, Sometimes it is because I cannot say no, but mostly I just have unrealistic expectations of myself.
I recently got sick and was on steroids for 15 days while trying to plan a couples dinner and a church camp out. I over reacted to something someone said to me and it caused a minor problem.
We had a meeting to adjust some things so that not as much is on me. I felt like I could handle everything I was doing but I did not allow myself anytime or back up for when I was sick. It was all just too much.
I am learning boundaries but it is hard for me.
I love what wisdom Missy shared. I know that there were several times I have said “I should do this” even though I really don’t want to. I will keep that in mind.
I think it is important to realize it is okay to say No! We can’t do it all. For me I feel like my family is priority and I need to keep my ministry here at home running smoothly.
I have been very fortunate that my husband at both of the churches we have now served at after being married has stressed to the church before accepting the job that they are not getting a 2 for the price of 1 deal. I enjoy serving where I feel that the Lord is leading me to do so, but I can’t and won’t be at everything and do everything they need someone to fill in for.
I meant to come back and answer the previous survey…sorry. I’ll come back when I have time to answer both!
Do you ever find yourself taking on way too many responsibilities? Do you have any thoughts on why you do it to yourself?
I don’t think I have taken on too many “long term” things. I tend to stick with one ministry type role where I am called, and just being alongside my husband is plenty.
I tend to do a lot more of the little things, like taking a meal to someone, which sometimes is once a week or so. And then there is VBS, etc. that I consider small. I was an age group VBS director, and my husband and I decided that was too much for our family, considering he is in charge of VBS. I was better just being a regular helper this year.
*Has your emotional and spiritual health ever suffered because of lack of boundaries?
Oh yes at times. I do not feel like I have to be at everything at church, and that now helps.
*Do you have a sense of a personal ministry calling? How do you manage what you believe God would have you do as an individual in contrast with your calling to support your husband in his ministry?
Currently, my calling is in my husband’s ministry. I serve as a Bible Fellowship Director. That works because it is my husband’s area (preschool ministry) and my kid’s area as well and I get to use my administration gifts.
Even as my children get older, I see myself in this or something in the preschool. Our preschool ministry is the size of some churches, and our staff structure is designed for my husband to be the “pastor” for all preschool families. I have to be around to know these families and to be able to minister to them.
*Give me some examples of new ministries you’ve begun within your churches that have been ‘your babies’ so to speak
I haven’t had any. I have been in on some creating of ministry areas, but it’s been a team effort.
I hope that helps Lisa! I am looking forward to your book!
1… Yes. One thing that my husband an I both had impressed upon us several years ago was the principle of replacing ourselves. Reggie Joiner of 252basics, formerly of Northpoint, spoke on it at a GrowUp Conference. We are both first born personalities who like ministry to be done right and who better to do it right that ourselves :O) Just kidding… we have tried, sometimes successfully and other times not so much, to delegate and entrust and empower those lay volunteers around us. Right now, my husband is a children’s pastor who has over hte past couple years sensed God preparing and calling him into a sr. pastor position and we’re in that transition process right now.
Just a month or so ago I remember thinking… when Stephen becomes a sr. pastor, what will I do? (this next part answers #3 as well…) I knew in H.S. that I was called to the ministry. I didn’t know the capacity at the time but I know without a doubt that Stephen and I are meant to serve the local body and I am meant to help my husband. There are times that there’s a ministry or event that I would love to get involved in and realize i can’t because I don’t have the time because I’m already committed in some other way… that stinks and I’m not sure if it’s right or wrong, but it simply is.
I love doing… and I don’t ever want to be the stereotypical pastor’s wife, I want to get dirty and work in the trenches. I’m not sure what that will look like in the next chapter… it’s kinda exciting, and kinda scary because where we’re at now I’m established and I’d like to think that I do a good job…
#2 – Yes… i.e. VBS: I go in huge waves with being sane and insane and the sane waves sync perfectly when I’m insync with the Father. It’s hard and I fail every year at staying 100% plugged in. I try.
#4 – I was priviledged enough to ehlp Stephen transition a traditional SS model for 1st – 6th grade to small groups using the 252basics curriculum… we launched KidStuf and loved it! (If you’ve never checked it, do so… 252basics.com. It’s amazing curriculum that works with any size church…) My ‘baby’ has been VBS… I love it.
Sorry for the legnthy answers…
#1 I’m great at saying “No” and I feel that is because it’s a lot easier for me. I still have young children (toddlers) so it’s easy for me to say, “Well I can’t because of the kids…”. If I feel it’s something too overwhelming for me I ask them to delegate it to someone else.
#2 Yes but I was not a pastor’s wife at the time. I was an intern at a church and I did EVERYTHING that was asked of me. That’s probably why I’m so good at saying, “No” now. I was a dance leader for the youth and children groups, a cell leader, a cell member, among so many other things. I lived at church. Literally. Burned me out! Enough became enough. I rebelled, got pregnant before marriage, and I’m still struggling to get back up.
#3 I write and I’m currently writing my first book! As a non-believer I wrote and I always had this thought in the back of my mind, “God wants you to write for Him” and I thought it was NUTS. I said “NO WAY!” I loved anything occult and was more interested in that than writing for God at the time. Funny how God can speak to us, even when at times we don’t believe in Him.
#4 I have yet to begin anything.
This poll really made me think deeply and I liked it a lot. Helped me realize why I’m doing what I do and what else I could/should be doing!
Going to be completely honest and tell you that I haven’t read this post yet, but you’ve been on my mind so I thought I would say hello! :) I can’t wait to hug you neck in just a few short months, sweet Lisa! :)
Much love your way!
Lindsee :)
God, you tryin’ to tell me somethin???
Oh Lord, where do I begin! My husband is a children’s pastor and I think children’s ministry is ONE of THE BUSIEST if not THE busiest ministry in the church. It’s a very high maintenance ministry with lots of components. I am the preschool choir and handbell teacher, I teach 5th/6th grade Sunday School, I work in Kidzchurch as the sound person/small group leader/coordinator every week, and this year I was the VBS coordinator. (Not to mention I also work at the church part time as the communications director and am the wedding coordinator!) Yes, I’m a very busy woman! I’ve fallen into this trap of thinking, “I want him to look good. I want him to be well respected. And if no one volunteers for the position, then HE has to do it and he has enough on his plate so I’ll just do it for him!” And we average about 500 on Sundays so it’s not like there’s no one else who can do these things. I can relate to not wanting to even go to church on Sundays because it’s so much work I am truly exhausted and have totally sweated off my make up by the time I leave! In the beginning, I felt like I had to do everything and be his right hand gal because our vision and our expectations were SO high, coming from a mega church in TX to this little po-dunk, mom and pop country church that I didn’t know that anyone could do anything to the standards I had grown accustomed to in a big mega church. Over time, I think people have bought into our vision and are starting to see that change was needed and we’ve had to change their whole mindset of how they do things in order to reach people in our community. And they do like the change they were so resistent to in the beginning. So for a season, I’ve felt like it was necessary that I do all of these things, like it was my calling to support him. Now after a year and a half, I feel like God has raised up some leadership in our midst that could take on some of these tasks and do a really great job. I do feel like organizing and planning events, coordinating things and doing administrative tasks is definitely my gift and I can use those gifts to support his ministry without having to do EVERYTHING! We are a great team and our gifts definitely complement one another’s. I have coordinated 3 major things this past year that I would consider my “babies”. I put in the pipe line to our senior pastor that we needed a creative outreach team that could sit down weekly and just brainstorm then put the plan into effect ways to reach out to our community. Everything filters through this team because they are also highly involved with our church image. So every event, every publication filters through them. They are also responsible for filtering through how everything comes across on Sundays to people who visit our campus, from cleanliness of facilities to things hanging on the walls. We want our church to reflect the perfection and also the creativity of the God we serve. My other “baby” is the Fall Festival. It used to be a Bible Character night for the kids in our church and I just thought it could be so much more and really be used as a community outreach tool. So last year we went BIG and this year we’re going even BIGGER and it’s just a blast to plan. My last “baby” this year was VBS. It used to be LAME and uninspiring and only drew in church kids. This year, we created our own curriculum and just did a WHEELS OFF VBS that rocked our town and was so good for our church too in creating excitement for our children’s ministry. I think doing events like that is a GREAT way to recruit volunteers. When they see what God is doing and how exciting it is, they just want to be a part of it. It was also a great way to show the church members, okay, THIS is the quality at which we need to be functioning ALL THE TIME and we need your help to make it happen!
One thing I would like for you to address if possible maybe in your next question or maybe in your book is how to not lose sight of the spiritual part of our church work. Sometimes I get so caught up in the business aspect of it, the finances of it all, the coordinating, the details, and I’ve got to figure out how to look at everything through my spiritual lense rather than just being caught up in the busyness. I think many who serve in the church vocationally and as wives of this vocation suffer from this.
I too will check back in in a bit when I can give it complete thought. I want to chime in here definately.
In our second church we were just beginning to unload the moving van when one of the elders informed me that they had lost the church secretary but had left the job open for me since I would need the money to supplement my husband’s income. Do you think we should have turned and ran????? Since I never ever dreamed I would need any typing skills, I had none – but took the job anyway since we really liked to eat. I thought it was temporary – is 7 years temporary?? Every Sunday morning I would get comments on the bulletin typing/spelling/clipart … no joy in that job, but I learned a lot. I considered it a ministry to my husband as well since he was comfortable with me and didn’t have to deal with another woman who may or may not work well with him. It was a really small church, so he helped me fold the newsletters and kicked the copier when it gave us fits!
Because I have a degree in Christian Ed. many churches assumed they were getting a two for one special – it took me a long while to learn to say “I’ll think, pray and talk it over with hubby – can I get back with you?” but doing so was so freeing. I loved doing funeral lunches, so that was always something I jumped at, but I was carefully training others to take over at the same time, since I knew we would not stay forever. I enjoyed it because it gave me a chance to exercise my hospitality muscles on a grand scale and comfort the hurting in a small way.
There were many times when I took on too much and felt stretched to the limits. One of the joys of living with chronic illness now it that I have better established boundaries and always plan a nothing week after a busy week to recoup. My husband has also learned to help protect me from myself!
My greatest joys were in starting and maintaining Bible based – not just fluff – VBS programs in two churches, and an AWANA program in one church.
One of my self-imposed callings was to shield my husband from the naysayers on Sundays just before the service time – I often ran interference for him – you know how some people get that ‘dog with a bone look’ when they really have something on their mind? When I saw them approaching my husband to bend his ear before church I would waylay them with inane chatter or ask for help with the kids, or just be blunt ‘you’ve got something on your mind – can it wait until after the services, please?’.
Now, as a lay person in a very small church I very much admire how our pastor’s wife is involved only in the ministries that she feels lead to. I think she has really found the balance nicely. She is a loving caring asset to her husband’s ministry and her work with the children of the church in small ways is a blessing.
My husband has been the only pastor in a small country church for 2 years now. He’s 38 and I am 35 and we never would have expected The Ministry to be our lives. Rob has a full time job and the pastoring is his part time, but it’s his passion. He puts in full time hours.
I grew up in and attended a nearby church until Rob became a Pastor. So for 33 years, I went to the same church. And it’s been hard on me because I was FIRMLY entrenched in our former church. I was on every committee and had my hand in practically every pot. I hear from people all the time how Rob and I are “sorely missed” because there’s nobody who wants to do this or that task. We were uber-lay people. :-)
As as pastor’s wife, I have felt the calling to be a HELPER but not to take on too many responsibilities. I feel strongly that this is a season of rest for me, but I am quite willing to help out with anything… just not have projects dumped in my lap.
I actually rail against having things dumped on me. I have a full time job and besides, I take care of the pastor and help HIM with tons of things that nobody else thinks about.
*Has your emotional and spiritual health ever suffered because of lack of boundaries?
YES! One of the “faithful few” verbally attacked me a few months ago. I know she was stressed, but she took it out on me and not Rob. I am not employed by the church and I detest someone telling me “Well all the OTHER pastor’s wives took control of the youth group… and all the OTHER pastors took the Adult Sunday School group.” I was quite frustrated and ready never to see that woman again. She is passive-aggressive to say the least and has a knack for driving people nuts within the church. If she’s involved, there is a contingent of people who will not be involved.
*Do you have a sense of a personal ministry calling? How do you manage what you believe God would have you do as an individual in contrast with your calling to support your husband in his ministry?
I know that I am meant to work in Children’s Ministries at some point. But right now, I feel most called to help Rob get things off the ground for the adults. We have SO MANY elderly, and very few children. I just know that for now, my place is to support him.
THANK YOU for your blog. I don’t have any close friends within my church… in fact, only other PW’s and friends I had before Rob became a pastor do I confide in.
It’s such a relief to know I’m not the only one who has issues like this.
I am speaking from a lay person’s side of things but this thing with churches who expect the pastor’s wife to do this and that and ALL things just boggles the mind. All I can think of is something Beth Moore has said time and time again. You can’t do a thousand things to the glory of God. This is true for all of us. When did the church get to decide what a pastor’s wife needs to do? I think to many things are forced on the pastor’s wife and if they don’t do what is expected of them people turn on them. Unfair. I would never want my pastor’s wife to do any ministry, program because she was pressured or guilted into it. Please, walk in your calling and don’t worry about what other people are thinking about you. God will take care of them for you. Only do what God leads you to do. Every good thing isn’t a God thing. Even ministries in the church. I truly admire the calling God has placed on your lives. Know that some of us don’t expect anything from you. Take care of your husband, family, home, ministries God has called you to do and don’t worry about what church members are thinking. We can’t control what people think and or say but God can.
Praying for you lovely P.W’s!!!
Love,
Patty
I opened your questions up o my blog as well and invited everyone to come over here and leave you a comment or i will reay any they may leave me on it. Inteesting stuff that at nap time (for the baby..alas not for me…) I will be back to read the others comments and leave my own. Cant wait to read this book. Will we get first “dibs” ?
* Do your ministry wives ever seem tired? Do you feel they are trying to take on too much?
My last PW had a pretty good balance. She was involved where she was gifted and said no to ministries where she wasn’t. There were people who laid the pressure on… but she wasn’t a people-pleaser type so she rarely had trouble saying no.
Our new pastor and his wife join us this Sunday and they’ve already established some pretty good boundaries where her involvement goes. I really admire how upfront both of them were about what they are willing and able to do.
* Are there areas of ministry you’ve been interested in serving but you feel there is no opportunity because the MW always jumps to fill the spot?
Nope. In fact, for a while I was wearing way too many hats at church. My PW was actually the one who took me aside and said that I was mistaking serving the church with serving God. Yes, the church needed someone to do A, B, C, etc, but I was putting those things ahead of my personal time with God and that was NOT what God wanted from me.
* Do your MW’s possess personal gifts that have enhanced your pastor’s?
Heh. I see “MW” and I think midwife. Anyway… =) So far, with one glaring exception, all the pastor’s wives I’ve known have been great compliments to their husbands.
Great topic! My husband serves at a very small church with many seniors. That means that there aren’t very many volunteers. At this piont I lead the worship, teach sunday school, host a Bible study in my home, lead the sunday evening children’s program, vice president of Women’s Ministries and raise three boys aged between 4-9. Oh, and did I mention I also work full time in an office? Sometimes it gets to be too much and I have to say no to some things or cancel something for one week. It is hard for me to say no, I am a people pleaser by nature. Right now a lot of our programs are on haitus for July and August. I still lead worship and do sunday school. It is nice to have a bit of a break! At this point, I would absolutely HAVE to say no to anything else so I don’t burn out. At those times, God has been faithful in supplying a volunteer (although it always ends up being one of the same few people). I am learning to trust God and know that if I can’t do something (or shouldn’t) that He will provide the right person for the task!
Wisdom, and from one so young. I wish this Missy would have had that Missy’s wisdom when I was her age! It took me many years to realize I COULD say no.
In my twenty-something years as the pastor’s wife of several small churches – I’ve done it all. Taught Sunday School, done VBS, headed up committees – including food and prayer chains, done women’s ministries, children’s ministries, even been church janitor. However, I do NOT play the piano or sing – guess I was trying to make up for that!
Learning to use my spiritual giftedness where God (not someone else!) led me was the most freeing experience of my life. Pleasing God became more important to me than trying (which you can’t do completely anyway!) to please everyone else. This is JMO, but I think one of the difficult things about ministry is that it is also your job. There are most likely expectations on both sides of the fence that don’t get met. It’s not just about pleasing people or not having someone mad at you, but the fact they are, in a sense, your ‘boss’ (don’t you love having several hundred people – and more – all with different ideas about what your job qualifications and responsibilities are?!) Communication right up front is essential to not having disappointments later.
“Do you have a sense of a personal ministry calling?” this one is easy for me – the answer is yes! I love the ministry and feel called along with my husband. I know this is not the case for every pastor’s wife or ministry wife. Knowing your calling and giftedness are probably the best boundaries you can set for yourself and your family.
I don’t know of any ministries I have thought of as ‘my babies’ because I have seen so much “ownership” in the churches we have served in that I have worked very hard not to hold too tightly to any ministry or area I have served in (not always successful in that! Usually when I found myself with hurt feelings it was an indication of too much ‘me’ and not enough Him) However, the freedom to stretch in new and creative areas is exciting, and I think a freedom we should all strive for. God is always at work in us, but moving into new areas can be hard. How cool to be in ministry with others who encourage you to test your wings and fly – who knows where God might take us?
I wish I found your blog a long time ago. I’ve struggled with ALL of these issues and continue to struggle with them and more. I went into ministry with my husband just as excited as he was, both with our rose colored glasses on and totally passionate. Now, I’m struggling with burn out and loneliness and I’m refreshed to find a blog that speaks about these things. I’ve longed for another pastor’s wife to relate to and as much as I’d love that in a real person I could go to lunch with, I’m grateful for at least a blog. I wish churches were more in tune *although I’m sure some are) with what pastors and their wives struggle with so that they could better encourage us back and minister to us so that we could have the strength to keep ministering to all of them. Wish I could go to lunch with you Lisa just once…. =0) I think pastor’s wives especially need someone who can relate to their role in life without doubting our love for the church.