Survey: When It’s Time To Say Goodbye
Hello, my sistahs!
As of today, August 1st, I officially have *deep breath* ONE MONTH to complete the Married to the Ministry book manuscript. I have two chapters left to write and if I work day and night, I might just get this thing finished. This would be one of the reasons I’ve not been writing here regularly. I hope you are forgiving me in advance. I just want you to know how I sincerely appreciate your visits and to apologize for not coming to see you like I so desperately want. The problem is, YOU GIRLS SUCK ME IN with your funny, your wisdom, your teaching, your links..You name it. Once I get started, I just can’t stop and that’s not a good thing when the deadline gun is cocked and loaded. Also, I have several requests to be added to the M2M Blogroll. I’ll be updating that this week in case you are wondering why your name is not yet appearing. I’m just behind, people! :)
If you are looking for a reason to pray a little longer and harder for the month of August, I’d be delighted if you’d call my name out to God. That he would give me focus and clarity of thought. That He’d tell me what He wants you girls to know and that it would be straight from His heart to yours. That’s my only desire – to see Him glorified and you encouraged as you pour your lives out to serve Him.
Okay, let’s talk about our next Survey. Today I’d love to know your thoughts on moving.
Ministry Wives:
1. How often have you moved in your ministry? Does your denomination ask you to move involuntarily at times?
2. Have you had any very difficult ministry moves?
3. How do you prepare your children (if applicable)?
4. Do you have tips for ministry wives in getting settled in a new place or saying goodbye to an old one?
5. Does is bother you if you are compared, positively or negatively, to previous pastor’s wives?
Laypeople:
1. What is the typical reason pastors leave your church?
2. Do you find yourself working harder within the Body during his ‘honeymoon’ period?
3. Do you maintain a relationship with ex-minister families?
As always, these questions are just discussion starters. Feel free to jump in with any of your thoughts on the topic.
Again, I thank you for your insight. You’ve no idea how much your comments have helped shaped the content of this book and helped me to make certain the issues you are facing are addressed. I love you dearly!
. How often have you moved in your ministry? Does your denomination ask you to move involuntarily at times? We have been at three different churches and one non-profit ministry in the last 14 years. In our denomination, churches are autonmous. They each conduct their own interview process for a minister and it is exhausting making the rounds at different churches.
2. Have you had any very difficult ministry moves? All of them have aspects of difficulty.
3. How do you prepare your children (if applicable)? We’ve only moved once with children. My oldest still would like to move back to our former place, so I can’t answer this one.
4. Do you have tips for ministry wives in getting settled in a new place or saying goodbye to an old one? Don’t jump in too fast and don’t go in thinking you have to say yes to everything you are asked. Allow yourself to grieve for the place you left behind.
5. Does is bother you if you are compared, positively or negatively, to previous pastor’s wives? I understand its natural, but I’d like to have my own identity. I’ve been fortunate that at three out of four places we were the first to be in this type of position, so I couldn’t really be compared.
Ministry Wives:
1. How often have you moved in your ministry? Does your denomination ask you to move involuntarily at times?
We have been in the ministry for 21years and have moved five times. This is actually kind of low for our denomination. I don’t know if the denomination would call it “involuntary”…but I would say, “yes, they do ask people to move involuntarily sometimes.” The good news is that is always at the same time of year, so you know you’re “safe” most of the year!!
2. Have you had any very difficult ministry moves? Yes. DH was pressured out of a church because we had friends who were married, but were from two different races. It uncovered prejudice that I had never experienced before. The move from there was “easy” in one way, but very painful in others.
3. How do you prepare your children (if applicable)? Now this is the $64,000 question. We have only moved twice where we had to prepare them. The first time, they were quite young, so it was an “adventure”. The second time, they were at several different stages, so it was a bit more difficult.
At any rate, we hold a family meeting and talk about it. We take them to the new place and show them around. We try and get them involved in things outside of the church quickly.
It’s worked both times.
4. Do you have tips for ministry wives in getting settled in a new place or saying goodbye to an old one?
Go slow!
When you say goodbye, try and get together with those people who are closest to you. Tell them how they’ve positively impacted your ministry in that place. If it’s a “bad goodbye”…then ask God to help you deal with any pain or bitterness that has been caused. If you don’t forgive the experience and the people, you’ll carry it to your next appointment.
Getting acquainted in the new place: I always throw an open house and invite the entire church to come visit with us. They like it. Also, one year we moved and I threw “Sunday Night Suppers” at my house. We invited 10 – 15 people over each Sunday until we’d covered the membership (it was a smaller church). This was a GREAT way to get to know our new place.
5. Does is bother you if you are compared, positively or negatively, to previous pastor’s wives? No one likes being compared…especially if it’s to someone who was well-liked. I think we have to hear it, remind people that you are unique and move on. It’s hard squelching it sometimes, but it’s unhealthy to allow it to continue, in my opinion.
**Note on one of your laypeople questions:
We do maintain a healthy relationship with some people from our past churches. It’s kind of that “Christmas Card List” relationship and occasional visit. Our denomination requires that we “stay away” from the church for a year to allow the new pastor to get established. I find this is healthy for everyone involved.
Hope this helps…and KEEP WRITING! Meeting deadlines is one of the most awful feelings. In fact, I can find more distractions from writing when it’s closing in on me….but the best writing I do is under pressure.
Praying here..
:-) Susan
Hi as I was reading today-the questions really caught my eye! I am not the wife of a minister or anything but the wife of a Navy man and this question is what got my attention:
3. How do you prepare your children (if applicable)?
In the last 17 years we have moved with children(3 of them)-we are currently on our 8th duty station. What I have seen & done and speak about with other military moms is the key is to be as consistent as you can be! Meaning keep your normal routine: if you do that it helps. Also, typically the kids (any age) will pick up on the vibe of the house which is usually determined by Mom( Dads, too)If mom is stressed guess what you will have stressed kids-who don't always understand the whys. Try to look at the move in a positive light! The second you know where you are going-research the area, school, shopping(helps with teenagers),parks, sports, etc. Make it an adventure. Kids tend to be more up for the move if Mom(dad) is excited about it. However, let me say share your feelings with your kids-I have always let mine know that even though I am excited about what is happening-I will miss all of my friends and that it is ok to be sad and even mad. I hope what I have wrote makes sense-I usually do better in person
Layperson here. :)
1. What is the typical reason pastors leave your church?
Reassignment, death and personal/spiritual growth through studies and moving are what I have experienced.
2. Do you find yourself working harder within the Body during his ‘honeymoon’ period?
Not really. I do see how the congregation regroups and restrengthens their bonds and attitudes though. One very nice benefit. I think it’s sort of a wake up call to realize while the preachers may come and go, most of the congregation is there to stay- so remain watchful and loving.
3. Do you maintain a relationship with ex-minister families?
I have with one all time favorite I still see every so often and my dh very frequently.
Similar to Susan our denomo says to remain away and not pursue contact unless the congregation member does. Although I understood why, I personally had a very hard time with that in the beginning after him and his family left (the church- not the area). And he’s actually going to be hearing from me very soon for some much needed, straight to the truth no sugarcoating, advice I’m seeking. lol
I know God is using you and that laptop beyond measure. He will definitely be hearing your name in my prayers.
1. How often have you moved in your ministry? Does your denomination ask you to move involuntarily at times?
*My husband and I have been married for 16 years and are presently in our 7th place of ministry. The early years were spent in several small churches part-time and my husband is now associate pastor and full-time. We are not asked to move involuntarily.
2. Have you had any very difficult ministry moves?
*We have had two difficult moves, both due to extreme church conflict where we knew it was time to get our family out. This last move was difficult because we moved 16 hours away from friends and family. We had actually looked at places of service very near family and God closed those doors.
3. How do you prepare your children (if applicable)?
*This last move our daughter was 10. We involved her in all discussions, knowing we made the final decision, but because she is a believer, we felt God could speak to her just like He would us.
4. Do you have tips for ministry wives in getting settled in a new place or saying goodbye to an old one?
*I have learned the hard way that it isn’t (in my opinion)a good idea to jump headfirst into areas of leadership until a bit of time at the new place of ministry. It is just good to get to know the people and you girls know each church has their “sacred cows” if I may be so blunt!
5. Does is bother you if you are compared, positively or negatively, to previous pastor’s wives?
*It really does. For months at one place the people kept calling me by the previous pastor’s wife’s name!
Other congregations have been much better about letting me “find my way” and I feel much more comfortable with that. After all, we are all gifted differently.
Thanks for the opportunity to share Lisa, and I can’t wait for your book!!!
Layperson here as well:
Laypeople:
1. What is the typical reason pastors leave your church?
It is almost always a personal decision, whether family needs or circumstances change, and it is due to dissatisfaction on the pastor’s part in our community or in his ability to effect change.
2. Do you find yourself working harder within the Body during his ‘honeymoon’ period?
My pastor friend once told me, “Beware of the first ten people you meet.” You know, the ones that are dying to meet you FIRST so they can give you the scoop on how things are or should be in their eyes. I think we are more forgiving of any slights during that time as he adjusts to the new assignment, and there is an air of excitement about the new opportunities.
3. Do you maintain a relationship with ex-minister families?
One of my best friends is my ex-pastor. We still go to lunch and keep in touch after ten years. And we visit their new church when we can. Not always, but when you know someone for 18 years, it is a friendship.
You are in my prayers, Lisa, as you write and approach your deadline. It is a satisfying feeling to put a writing to bed, knowing its life is just beginning. Much blessing. Annette
Lay People
1. What is the typical reason pastors leave your church?
dissension
2. Do you find yourself working harder within the Body during his ‘honeymoon’ period?
Yes
3. Do you maintain a relationship with ex-minister families?
Tried too didn’t work.
To answer your Ministry Wives questions:
1.How often have you moved in your ministry?
Three times.
Does your denomination ask you to move involuntarily at times?
No, PTL!
2.Have you had any very difficult ministry moves?
Not really. Probably the most difficult would have been when we moved to where we are now. Our son was 14 and had not lived anywhere else.
3.How do you prepare your children (if applicable)?
We included him in our decision making and prayers. It gave him time to adjust to the whole idea
of change. We tried to emphasize the positive. THEN… we placed him
and his sweet heart in God’s hands. We could not minister to him as well as God since we did not know his heart and mind the way God does! Also, hear your child out. Talk, yes, but be sure and LISTEN!
4. Do you have tips for ministry wives in getting settled in a new place or saying goodbye to an old one?
Moving can be hard but being positive helps. I found that thinking the move preps through and being organized before the move aids in organization and easier settling after the move. I’m a list maker and labeler at heart so this was a big help for me in getting everything together. Make room in your
schedule for those who what to say a special goodbye over diner, etc. You’ll be glad you did.
5.Does it bother you if you are compared, positively or negatively, to a previous pastor’s wives?
Not really – especially if it is positive:) It’s perfectly natural
for people to do comparisons. We do that, too, don’t we? Just remember that it will only last a short time. Once you have found your place and “come into your own”, the comparisons should cease.
Two more chapters! Yay! Just think of all the spare time you are going to have – lol :) I know… just dreamin’ for you! :)
Lisa – These are such great questions! You are so close to finishing…keep on running!
1. Have often have we moved? We have been married 20 years and we are serving in our 5th church. No, our denomination does not make up move involuntarily.
2. Difficulty aspects with ministry moves – when my husband went from being a student pastor at a bigger church to the senior pastor at a smaller church we took a cut in pay! I remember crying because I knew that it was what God wanted us to do but I was not sure how it was all going to work out. Every move we made (except the last) we packed a UHaul and moved ourselves — that’s difficult! The last time we had movers — way better!
3. To prepare the kids I agree with jenmom — involve the kids with in the whole process so they can see God at work. When we moved to where we are now our kids were in 9th, 6th, and 4th grades. The kids and I tried to stay back and finish the school year but we were miserable separated from my husband/their dad. The kids got to vote (Survivor style) on whether we stayed and finished the school year or moved on to be with dad!
4. A good thing to remember when leaving one place of ministry is “don’t leave before you’re gone.” That just means, once you know you’re moving sometimes it’s hard to stay and finish strong. I agree with several who posted comments before me – don’t jump in too quickly! This goes back to another topic of Lisa’s about saying yes and no!
5. Of course we don’t like to be compared to other pastor’s wives — unless they are totally awesome and we are compard in a positive way! LOL I think we, as pastors’ wives, sometimes have to have thick skin and remember God is our judge, not people!
Serving the King,
Jeanette
1. We have moved 4 times in 18 years. No, our demon. does not ask us to move. we move when God calls us.
2. Our last move was difficult because God called us out of a ministry and location we loved. we were obedient to move, but it was very painful to leave great friends, some who didn’t understand why we had to move, a place our children were thriving,and a church we loved dearly. But, as usual, God has shown His sover. in that we can already see that this is exactly where we are supposed to be!
3. This is a tough question and depends on the ages of the children. Most of the time when God calls us, he has already in some way been preparing the kids to move (even if they don’t realize it). This last move was hard because our daughter was a senior in HS and our boys were in HS and MS. As the kids got older, we tried to involve them in the move..ie taking them with us to find a house, letting them help with picking the school they will attend. We always throw a going away party for EACH child and I try to find something to give them that will last. One move, I had all their friends sign a pillow case with sharpies. They had that pillow with them the whole drive to the new house and still use them! This last move, I had all of my son’s friends sign his guitar in perm. marker. He has it hanging in his room now. But it’s not always easy because when they are smaller you don’t know exactly what is going on in their heads. As much communication as possible is the best.
4. Allow yourself to grieve leaving friends and then look forward to what God has for you in your new location. Let yourself be open to new friends!
5. I have never been compared negatively (that I know of) to the previous pastor’s wife, but even being compared favorably is hard sometimes. you want to be your own person. But it is hard for people not to compare and we have to realize that. I try to not dwell on it and just be me.
Laypeople:
1. What is the typical reason pastors leave your church?
I’ve seen pastors leave for a number of reasons:
*Dissention #1 – because he was the root of the problem and was driven out by a vote of (no) confidence.
*Dissention #2 – because someone else was the problem he felt that the rift in the church would be healed better under someone else’s leadership.
*A Call from God to go elsewhere.
*Health reasons.
I’ve never worshipped in a denomination that “involuntarily” moves pastors after X years. I can sort of see the logic, but I also think such a policy can be unfair to both church and pastor.
2. Do you find yourself working harder within the Body during his ‘honeymoon’ period?
Our new pastor just started the first week of July so this is a very timely question. My answer would have to be yes and no.
Yes, because there is a lot of work to be done and our new pastor has a vision that has me excited. I’m the Sunday School director and there are some changes that desperately need to be made.
No, for two reasons. 1) The work I’m doing now is work I should have been doing all along. I let things slide because we didn’t have a pastor. 2) Because I’ve (finally) learned to say no to everything except the ministry God is calling me to.
3. Do you maintain a relationship with ex-minister families?
I already love our new pastor and his wife, but I also desperately miss the previous pastor’s family. The PW was someone I could always rely on to tell the hard truth and she’s irreplaceable. They’ve distanced themselves and I think it was the right thing to do, but it still makes me kind of sad.
Last year was a definite roller coaster in this department. Last spring, my husband and both sensed that our time in youth ministry was drawing to a close, and that we were being called to some other type of church ministry, we just didn’t know what that was exactly. At the time, we had a three year old, and a brand new baby. After much debating together and individually, we took a HUGE step of faith and hubby resigned from the church we were serving, WITHOUT ANOTHER CHURCH (or another job of any kind!!) to move to! Talk about your living without a net. It was incredibly scary, but incredibly freeing in many ways as well. We were living in the parsonage as well, so that made time even more of the essence. The church graciously allowed us to stay a month past his last Sunday, and in that transition time, hubby worked a job at a factory on the night shift.
We actaully moved out of state, and in with my parents for 4 months, and then rented a place of our own for about 3 months before he was called as Senior pastor of the church we are now serving. I left out a LOT of what happened there, but would be more than willing to email or talk with you about it at length, especially about pros/cons of being up front about leaving a place rather than secretly preaching a trial sermon only to come back and say you’ve accepted a position and you’re done in a couple weeks. We have been on both sides of that coin.
To answer your questions:
1. We have moved three times (ministry related) in almost 6 years. Our denom does not move us involuntarily.
2.I don’t know that the moves themselves were that difficult (other than the normal stresses of moving, HAHA) but I think the emotions and reasons behind the move often affect us. The first ministry move we made was in a lot of ways like a death for me. I grieved HARD over moving away from dear friends, and even though we knew we were where God wanted us, it was so incredibly hard to start a whole new life!
3. The first move, we had just one child, and she was 18 mths at the time. We just tried to keep her schedule the same as always, and make her feel secure.
The second time around, we had 2 kids, and we prepared the older one by telling her that daddy wasn’t going to be working at the church anymore, and that we would be moving to another place. We tried to put it in as much of a positive light as we could. We also included her by allowing her to “pack” some things, and gave her lots of playtime with her playmates before we moved.
This last time the transition has been really easy. The hardest was probably getting the baby to go to the nursery without crying ( we came here at the height of the separation anxiety phase). This has just recently stopped, 6 months later.
4. In a new place – get your house in order as soon as you can. That helps everyone! Find another community group activity that you can get involved in, outside the church – like MOPS, BSF, or help at your child’s school. This will allow you to meet others that you might not otherwise meet, and might help you find a good friend or two!
When leaving an old place, I have always struggled. Whether the circumstances of WHY you are leaving are good or bad, you are still leaving a place that has been your home. Each of the times we moved before this last one, our family had grown in each of those homes… so, those places will ALWAYS have special places in my heart. Go back and visit friends when you can.
5. The first place we lived there was not a previous YP wife – I was the first… LOL
The second was really hard, because the last YP and his wife were really loved. We both felt compared to them A LOT. I felt like there was always somewhat of a shadow there that we would never be able to get out from under, no matter what we did. That is a really difficult place to be.
I am sure that I am being compared to the other PW’s that were at our current church. I am young (28) and I think all of them have been somewhat older than me. I think we might be the first pastor’s family in a long time with really small kids.
I hope that I am seen for who I am, not who I am NOT, and not for who my predecessor was.
I hope that any search committee, or layperson who reads this book will come away feeling like their PW is a person just like them, who just happens to be married to the pastor.
I think negative comparisons are unfair to the current PW and the predecessor – for so many reasons. I wouldn’t want someone to be liked or disliked simply because they did/didn’t dress like me, or did/didn’t keep the nursery, or did/didn’t sing in the choir.
I would hope that each new PW that comes into a church is welcomed with an open heart and an open mind without a laundry list of expectations.
It's funny, not ha, ha, but rather a timing thing that you should ask these questions right now…
To answer them simply…
1. two churches in 9 years… no, sbc doesn't not require pastor's to move
2. not yet…
3. i don't know but i need some advice (see below)
4. when we said good bye at the last church it was freeing, but part of the issues were mine…part were the churches and the way they treated our family…
5. relating to the last question yes… in our first church there was a large portion of college students from a local christian university… after stephen & i were married i was the new one and because i wasn't one of them it was very hard…
so, here's my question… if anyone can give me solid advice I would welcome it. i have a 7 yr old, almost 5 yr old. we are having a canidating weekend in 2 weeks at a church that is about 20/25 minutes away from where we are now. it would be lead pastor position and we are feeing very at peace with the pursuit and are laying the outcome at His feet. however, i am very concerned about the transition for our children. we will be moving from my home church (since kindergarten, minue a couple years right after we were married), and their church since birth where my husband's pappaw was pastor until he passed away (a lot of roots!) we know the time is drawing near though. we would be leaving on good terms, most people will look at our move with pride because we've 'grown up' there… but i am very concerned about the 'trama' from moving… maddie, 7 yrs, isn't connecting all the dots and we hate to mention it until it's a go but we'll only have about 3/4 weeks to wrap up at our church now and we'd probably move into the new community sooner because we don't want her to have to go to school for two weeks once place and then move her… is this the right process?!? can anyone give me some pointers… this will be the first lead position for us and it's scary… a good scary, i think, but really scary none the less…
In our 15 years of ministry we have served in 5 churches. Our denomination doesn't move us.
None of our moves have been due to conflict in the church, but it was difficult to leave a couple of the churches because we loved the people so much. But knew we were supposed to serve God in a new place.
We have 4 children 10 & under. We talk to our children about moving, about new friends and we take them to the new house, show them their new room and TALK IT UP!! I try to be open with them. To let them see my saddness in leaving friends but also let them see my excitement in going to a new place.
"After the Boxes are Unpacked" is a great book. I read it each time we move. I unpack as quickly as possible. I try to get everything out of boxes and put up by day 3. I send my hubby to the church to unpack his boxes and get started in his new place. I have also found it is best for us to move as a family and not in stages.
I have a pretty big jealous bone, so I don't like being compared to the other preachers wives. Whether great or not so great.
Congrats on being in the last month! I'm proud of you. I can't wait to read this book!!!
Julie
I just found this site and glad to see it. I had been a pastor’s wife for about 30 years when my husband went to be with the Lord. So much frustration with no one to really talk to, I wish this was around back then!
Keep up with the sharing and bonding, it is much needed in the ministry!
Lisa,
Good questions….
As a lay person,
1. Do you keep in touch with former pastors and their families? Yes and no… my childhood pastor retired while I was in high school. He and his wife moved not too far away and we would keep in touch with them through my grandma.
2. Do you try harder during the honeymoon period? Yes and no…Sometimes it just seems like you’re working harder because there are always so many activities to attend for the new pastor.
I will pray for you as you are writing.
One question, sometimes when I click to come over to your blog, my computer says the program failed. Do you think it’s just my computer or have others commented about having trouble getting to your blog? Just curious. Thanks, Julie
Girl, you do all the writing you need to and we’ll still be here when you get back! :) Because, yes, we love you that much. I mean, I sure do!
Hugging your neck THIS MONTH!!!!!
Lindsee
Rob and I have been in the same church for our entire ministry career. I am so thankful that our lives have been somewhat stable.
We have been offered the “rich and famous” contract a few times, but the longer we stay where we are, the more we see the long-term impact of life-on-life ministry. (I just wrote about this yesterday. )
http://michellewegner.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/08/the-perks.html
It makes me so sad when I see other pastor’s families having to move evey few years. I am sad that that is the norm for so many.
Praying for you and your book. I agree…Twittering is addicting!
:0)
Michelle
Hi Lisa – just wanted to let you know that you’re in my prayers this month, sister. I will be praying for the Lord’s grace to surround you — along with a big ol’ measure of peace! I turned in my manuscript last month!! Woo hoo!
I will pray for you in this push time! Diet Sunkist and pink marshmallows did wonders for me… oh, and the ocassional can of Duncan Hines frosting.
I do have a comment about this but I would rather email you about it. my email is williams4676@bellsouth.net. It is in regards to authenticity and etc. =)
Maybe you can address it in something and also help me out in understanding.