‘Cute Shoes’ Online Discussion ~ Week Two
Hello Girls!
I had fully intended on having a couple of posts between last week’s discussion and this week’s for those of you who aren’t in the least bit interested in the subject. Truth is I have been on a little computer fast in preparation for a conference I taught in Texas this weekend. It was such a great time and I’ll tell you a bit more about that tomorrow, but today is Tuesday which means time for Week Two!
Your enthusiasm for this group has blown me away. Mindy from Colorado, you are precious! Freshly-called ministry wives, I wish I could hug each and every one of you! Our little group is made up of girls from all over the US as well as Brazil, Canada, and Australia. (This is not a scientific observation so forgive me if I missed you!) I am just so happy! Can you tell?! Do the exclamations give it away?!!!
I have absolutely loved reading through all your answers and learning that I’m not the only one who never dreamed she would end up a minister’s wife. When I graduated from high school, I was determined to move to either New York or Chicago and live in one of those adorable brownstones. I never wanted to get married and certainly didn’t want kids. They got on my nerves. Men and kids. So to think the Lord plucked me as a brand from the fire (Zechariah 3), clothed me in righteousness, and then set me back down in a teeny town with a pastor husband and a house full of kids is hysterical to me. Don’t dare ever tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor! (And wow, WHO KNEW so many of you were called of God to marry ministers as young women and then aligned your dating/marriage decisions to that call? I’m SO praying that one over my little girl. ) I also cracked up at Patty’s tree-through-the-roof that caused her family to surrender to ministry. Isn’t it just like God to pound us until we listen?
I also appreciated your honesty when sharing which area of Sarah’s example resonated with you the most. Trust is my big one too, y’all, but I can’t tell you one single time when God led us to a place where we found Him either absent or unfaithful. The one who fills all space and time is there waiting for us to step into the place He has already prepared for us to occupy.
You girls have no idea how I wish we could be sitting in a room together hashing this out face-to-face. Unfortunately, that can’t happen today so let’s get on with the next questions from Chapter Two: I Can Still Wear Cute Shoes! This chapter head became the title for the book after much discussion between myself and the publisher. I think for all of us, this imagery summed up the message of the book – I am safe being the me God created.
Question One: I shared in Chapter Two how I had a complete identity crisis when Luke was called to ministry and that it played out in my closet. How did clothing play a part in your role as a minister’s wife? Were you tempted to change your style? Why or why not?
Question Two: Pages 51-57 speak about several character qualities that all Christian women should exhibit but perhaps more so the woman in servant leadership. Which of these areas are more difficult for you to master? (Winsome, Sober, Faithful, or the temptation to sometimes be Diabolical)
Question Three: Name one one specific area in which you feel intense pressure to be or do something contrary to your personal giftedness. Please try to be concise with this question because I know it’s a biggy!
Can’t wait to meet back with you next week! Remember to begin your answers with name, age, area of ministry, and state for identification.
Question 1: I don’t recall being tempted to change my style of clothing as a Pastor’s wife, really. I have had times that I wonder if I “look the part”, but always come back to the fact that this is me, “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit” as a family favorite saying goes!! It’s funny because I do have some clothes in my closet that I call “my Pastor’s wife clothes” but I NEVER wear them!! They are the ultra conservative looking dresses and blouses that just MAYBE my grandmother would have worn. I have NO idea why I even keep them!!! Maybe it is time to do a little purging of the ol’ closet!! LOL!!
Question 2: I think that all of the qualities mentioned in this section of the book can be a challenge for me at times. I especially LOVED what you said on Page 59 : “…one thing they wish the congregation knew is that their husband doesn’t tell them everything” . This really resonated with me as this seems to be something I deal with continually in our small church. I find myself being tempted at times to be diabolical. I have found it annoying at times when a well intending member of the congregation will “ask my permission” to do something in the church kitchen or want to know what to do with the decorations in the sanctuary. I have learned to laugh about it and find it amusing that as the Pastor’s wife, these things I just must simply know, in their opinion!!! :)
Question 3: If I had to choose one area that I feel pressured to serve outside of my giftedness, it would be in the area of Children’s Ministry. My heart is completely sold out for the area of Women’s Ministries, and just the thought of doing Children’s ministry makes me want to turn tail and run the other direction!! In our small church, the Children’s activities are mostly ran by the older ladies that have felt called to do so. However, there are times when unspoken inferences arise, and I can almost feel them wondering why someone younger, like the Pastor’s wife isn’t leading the children!! I am sure most of this is in my own head, and no one has ever verbalized it to me or to my husband, so maybe I just need to not be so paranoid!!! LOL
Dana, solo pastor/church planter’s wife, Virginia
Question One: I’ve not really changed how I look as the pastor’s wife. I’m a really conservative dresser, anyway (as far as skin showing goes), so that wasn’t an issue. I’m just not into clothes, so it’s not an issue for me. Maybe I should care more about how I appear, but as long as my clothes are neat and clean, that’s all that matters to me. We hav e a VERY laid back church — Nate preaches in jeans. So, not so much an issue here.
Question Two: I have a very sarcastic, kind of twisted sense of humor. So, being sober has been an issue for me. I also have absolutely no issue at all with saying precisely what I think and how I feel, so discretion is something I’m working on. Speaking the truth is good, but sometimes you don’t need to speak all the truth you see. Still working on that one!!
Question Three: Women’s ministry. I’m the exact opposite of the PP right before me! I love children’s ministry, and in fact would love to revamp our entire SS plan from the top down (and we’re meeting about that next week). I direct VBS and I LOVE it! But I don’t even particularly want to participate in a women’s ministry like the one the ladies at this new church would prefer. I would like to do a woman’s Bible study, but there is zero interest in that. So, with Nate’s permission, I have stepped out and someone else will either step up or the monthly dinner meetings will stop. My hubby is very big on insisting that I serve only where I’m called, and not outside what I’m intended to do.
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Housekeeping, Day 2: Just do it =-.
Amy/pastor’s wife/just turned 33!/Oregon
1. I did not feel a need to change my style when I became a pastor’s wife. There are some Sunday evening worship services where I would rather wear jeans or shorts versus khakis or a skirt. Sometimes I have resorted to that and no one has ever said anything. If anyone had a problem with it, it would probably be someone from the older generation. Honestly I like to dress up to church and/or church events because I am home with kids all day almost everyday. I wear jeans six days a week and casual shirts or workout clothes. I am sure if I had an office job that required me to dress up Monday through Friday, I might feel differently.
2. Being sober is difficult for me. I am a very open person with a transparent personality. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. About a year ago I expoded at a committee meeting because I was really frustrated. I went back and apoligized and made things right. Since then I have learned to listen more than I talk and pause before I make a comment. At our last committee meeting, I behaved myself. But I was attacked. I had thought about confronting the person. You know everyone always preaches Matthew 18 in these situations. This particular person has a very strong personality and the fight to get her to see my point of view and/or apoligize is not the one I want to take on. I have come to the point of accepting people’s personalities for what they are. But I am seriously thinking of dropping this committee in a few months because I cannot handle getting attacked like this. Sometimes I get sick of having to be “the better behaved person” because of my position as the PW while still feeling like a target and getting attacked. Being a PW is very humbling and I asked God daily to give me a servant-like humble spirit.
3. I feel blessed that this church doesn’t put a lot of pressure on me to serve anywhere. They let me use my gifts where I want to. Even though I have a youth ministry degree and love young people, they have never pressured me to take over the youth program or even help with…in some ways it’s been the exact opposite. They know I have three small children and encourage me to pour my energy into that. I have felt pressured in the past to go to extra events with my husband like senior’s birthday parties, funerals, or visiting some of the elderly. I would love to be a part of some of this and someday I will. With three children under four who are home all day…it doesn’t always work.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..33 years =-.
Shana H. – Preacher’s Wife- 32 years young- Kentucky
Question 1-
I find myself wondering if I can still wear my sweatsuits on Sunday and Wednesday nights…I always have before but now I kinda feel like I should just do jeans…I really have no idea why other than I do feel like more eyes are on me now…I feel silly just writing it really because our church is so laid back as far as clothing is concerned…
Question 2-
I would have to say sober is more of a challenge for me. I do like to express how I feel but am tactful not to hurt others feelings. But, still people do get caught in the crossfire at times. One thing I have found in the last few weeks is that before if someone was *gossiping* complaining* ect… I would listen and get them to try to see the other side…now I find myself running for cover! I don’t even want to get involved by offering an ear and a word of encouragement. I think that we can be pulled into drama even by offering to just listen.
Question 3-
I would have to say I am put in the nursery ALOT! I run a daycare in my home and I do love children, I have 6 of my own.. I just feel that because my job requires that I am with children all day and then I have my own after school as well, I need to be involved in other areas of ministry. I work with little ones so much that I would like to have some adult conversations about the Lord and not so much playing with the little ones.
.-= Shana Hensley´s last blog ..Where do I go from here? =-.
Peggy/Pastor’s Wife/57 years old/ Brazil
Question #1
I never much worried about clothes, as I always just tried to look nice on a budget. At our current church, however, I have found people making subtle suggestions I need to wear “nicer” clothes and have even given me gifts for buying new clothes. Maybe it’s because we have a large internet audience or because the previous pastor’s wife wore boutique clothes, but this has been hard for me, as how I dressed was never on my radar before.
Question #2
While I found all the characteristics a challenge, it is especially difficult for me to keep my mouth shut and not be diabolical! Sometime I criticize a position our church leadership has taken and try to persuade my husband to work on doing what “I” think is best. Oh how that is diabolical!
Question #3
At this moment in ministry I give thanks that I have been freed to employ my gifts as God has called me. My husband has made it clear that this is important to me, to him and to our church. My church seems more than happy for me to “be” there for my husband and not take a big leadership role. That has not always been the case and I have had big crisis in the past in trying to be “Wonder Woman Preacher’s Wife”.
.-= Peggy Fonseca´s last blog ..Pastor’s Wife Sunday =-.
Question1 : I have had a constant war with clothing since I became a pw. In our first church, I was reprimanded by the SPW and SP for not wearing suits every Sunday- I even had to go so far as to borrow a suit jacket from another female YP to wear for Easter- my dress wasn’t fancy enough! I rebelled and wore jeans and khakis and tennis shoes every week. Since arriving at our new church and my husband becoming a SP… I seem to have turned in an opposite direction. I now under dress far more than i want to… I am still trying to find a balance that I am comfortable in.
Question 2: I’m not sure which one I am the most- I think I tend to be diabolical the most. I feel very strongly about certain things, and I know I can sway my husband to agreeing with me… I have to be very unbiased and listen before opening my mouth.
Question 3: Teaching! I am not gifted with leading any sort of study, whether it is for women or children. I don’t enjoy it, but somehow I keep getting guilted into leading these sorts of things. I dread times that I have to teach anything- it literally puts me in a cold sweat. I would much rather clean the bathrooms than lead a bible study (but lets not mention that to our church!)
.-= Amanda´s last blog .. =-.
Tara
Senior Pastor’s Wife
32
#1: I married into full-time ministry and was always extra conservative in my dress; however, my style has changed over the last few years. :) I’ve never bought jeans with holes with them, but I’ve worn some of my jeans SO much (and crawled around on the floor chasing after my kiddos so much) that my favorite jeans now have holes in the knees…..and I LOVE wearing my “holy” jeans ;) I rarely wear them to church, but I often wonder what people think when they see a preacher’s wife out and about (in this very small town) wearing “holy” jeans.
#2: All the qualities mentioned in your book can be a challenge at times; however, I’ve found the most challenging thing for me is to not harbor bitterness toward those that hurt my husband. In our current church, there are those who are kind to me and shower my children with gifts but then talk negatively with others about my husband. It’s VERY difficult for me NOT to harbor bitterness toward these individuals. My thinking is…..”if you don’t appreciate my husband, then you’re definitely not going to appreciate me because we are one.” This is an area I must continually pray through.
#3: Being involved in WMU. We have such a small church, and I get the feeling that the last pastor’s wife was very involved in WMU (she was older and did not have young children at home). I don’t think some of these women remember how difficult it is to go a meeting with children in tow (and during naptime at that!). There is no childcare during our WMU meetings….and just between us, their meetings do not sound very fun or profitable (can I say that here????).
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Sacrifice =-.
Whoops! It would have helped if comment #30 had read the directions, ahem.
So, I will “introduce” myself… better late than never, right?
Amy, Student Minister’s wife, 28, southern OK
Ouestion #1
I have a slight obsession with red shoes. I had a feeling that most PW’s did not wear red shoes. Therefore, I wore red shoes to every service for a long time, just to prove a point. I was NOT going to be the “typical” pastor’s wife.
I wear jeans in a church where many wear suits. In fact, many Sundays, you can find me in my favorite pair of dark-wash jeans (those red shoes!) sitting next to my husband… wearing his suit.
I like to think I’m a rebel, but I’m probably not. I absolutely never even considered changing my style simply because my husband changed his vocation. My style – red shoes an all – is a huge part of my identity, and one I was never willing to let go of, or tone down.
Fortunately, I am in a fantastic church where what I wear is not a focal point. In fact, the last time I wore my knee-high, high-heeled boots to church, my Senior Pastor’s wife (and dear friend and mentor) commented about how cute they were :D
Question 2
I am quite lovable (ask the Senior Adults in our church, lol!), and I have no problem being my (loud) self. (BTW, thank you so much for clearly defining “sober”!)
While I struggle with not liking a few people (because of their awful actions and treatment of people close to me), I’m not really diabolical. I abhor gossip, slander, and I detest those actions that strive to tear down the Body of Christ.
I struggle with being Faithful the most. I am pessimistic and cautious by nature; my husband is the exact opposite, so many times I have to be the realist in our relationship. I ask tons of questions, and rarely get excited at just the thought of serving in a new ministry. I see it as, “something else I have to do because I’m a PW.”
Not very nice, huh?
I, too, have had arguments over children going on mission trips with us, and every time, it has been a disaster (my girls were 3 months and 2 when they went on their first mission trip)… but most of that disaster was MY OWN ATTITUDE.
I AM working on it, though (in fact, you can see some of that in my latest post!).
Question 3
I feel intense pressure to be at every single event that a student is involved in. I feel this pressure from my husband, and from some of the other leaders in our ministry (not our Senior pastor or his wife!). I know I do not live up to the expectations of a few, including my husband.
For the last year and a half, I have been suffering from depression, anxiety, and major burnout. Some of it was my own doing.
I am a type-A, take-charge, like-to-be-in-control kind of gal; I always have been. After my husband and I married, I did all of his deejay work (other than the actual playing music part): I took the phone calls, I booked the events, everything. So, when “we” took on the youth ministry, we continued in the role of “Amy is in charge of everything, and Shane writes and delivers the messages.”
This went on for 4 years until a tumultuous summer where Shane decided HE wanted to be in control of the youth ministry, and I basically said that he didn’t have a clue how to run anything, let alone a ministry. (Did I mention I have a loud mouth?)
From that summer until very recently, I removed myself from 99 percent of youth activities. Where I once was on a first-name basis with all of the students, I barely know any of them now.
Did I need the break and the space? Yes. Did Shane (and myself, and everyone else who thought he couldn’t do it without me… there were lots of those people!) need to learn how to be a leader without me? Yes.
Did I go about it the right way? No.
My husband and I were at odds for over a year before we made up, and he allowed me to take some time away from the ministry. I am slowly making my way back into the ministry (gladly), but being cautious to not take on too much.
In fact, my husband recently handled a HUGE event all on his own (well, on his own without ME) without a stitch of help from me. After the event he was beaming, and he told me something I will never forget, “Amy, I can do it. I want your help from now on, but I don’t NEED it to get something done. I can do it on my own. And it feels so good to know that.”
And, I was beyond blessed and proud. Because I have known this for many months now. He just had to learn it on his own.
Oh my, I’ve written a book, and I’m off topic, too. (blushing).
I will just submit it now, and zip it! LOVING THIS SERIES!
.-= Amy @ Amy Loves It!´s last blog ..Once a Week High School Lunch Ministry =-.
Cheryl, 38, Sr. Pastor, Ga.
1. I was in my 30’s when I married Steven and became a Pastor’s wife, so I was pretty settled in my own identity in Christ and didn’t feel the need to ‘look’ a certain way.
2. I think my strongest characterisitic is being winsome. I think that I have a way of putting people at ease and want others to enjoy being around me. When it comes to being sober, my struggle isn’t speaking up when it’s inappropriate but having the courage to speak up when I NEED to speak up. That’s always been an area of weakness but I can honestly say that God has been strengthening me in this area.
3. When Steven and I went to our 1st church, we did a question/answer time with the congregation. Someone asked what I considered my areas of giftedness. My response was, “Well, I don’t play the piano and I don’t sing but I make a mean chicken casserole.”
During our 1st few years at that church, I was very involved in childrens activities. But then we had Caleb and Asher and I pulled back. Not only because of our family dynamics but I also felt God leading me more towards women’s ministry. (Children’s ministry is my comfort zone.) When we resigned, it came out that some people felt like I was “doing enough.” Statements like, “she’s a certified teacher but she doesn’t do anything with the children.” were said. It is hurtful when people make those kind of statements (especially ones you considered friends) but God is reassuring me that HIS expectations are the only ones I need to be concerned with. I will never please everyone and I don’t want to spend my life trying to! Oh, and the whole WMU thing, whatever! Don’t even get me started on that!
Love you dearly, Lisa MacK!
.-= cheryl´s last blog ..Because I want to remember….. =-.
Boy, did clothing ever play a role! My husband worshipped in a Pentecostal church; I in a less restrictive Baptist setting.
While we were still engaged, I remember having a church mother dance across the front of the church to the side pew where I sat with a cute above-the-knee pleated skirt and throwing a cotton handkerchief large enough to double as a baby’s diaper over my knees. After she wiped the lipstick off my mouth. How humiliating!
Later, as his wife and a new minister’s wife, I found my skirt lengths getting longer and longer, almost touching my ankles. I’m only 5’2″ so I was disappearing under all this fabric. Couldn’t show bare arms so there went my sleeveless dresses. And the styling was just not me.
But the worst of all to me was the dresses I “chose” for my wedding party. I didn’t want to offend anyone, especially not my new family, several members of whom were in the wedding, so I had these long-sleeved, long skirted outfits in the blazing August heat.
I finally figured out, some ten years into our marriage, that my dress didn’t make me more or less holy, as I was never inappropriate, just different. I wish it hadn’t take so long.
The tricky one is gossip because I learned that folks in ministry gossip as much if not more than folks in the world. That and going along to get along.
As far as my personal giftedness, I simply felt pressure to use my gifts exclusively for the ministry whereas I didn’t feel led by God in that way.
.-= PatriciaW´s last blog ..Wednesday Worship: Excellent Lord =-.
Necoe
34
Prof. Wife
OK
1. I can openly admit I have a bit of a rebellious attitude, but it is even more pronounced when I feel like something is expected that is unreasonable. When I entered the ministry I was also entering Bible College. It was expected we dress for “church” so before attending I bought a weeks worth of long dresses I could tolerate. I was then ready to enter ministry as well with my cotton dresses. It was a year before I grew tired of them, and found a new “home” for them. Being in Appalachia and ministry doesn’t leave much freedom for dress. I’m sure I angered a few church members by wearing shorts to evening services in the summer, but what can I say….it was only for a few years.
2. the character trait I struggled the most with is being extroverted. I know this wasn’t one listed, but I am an extreme introvert. Not shy, just not a talker. I lack to gift of gab, and don’t feel comfortable talking about nothing. Being a PW, it was expected that I make those visits with Alan, but I hid behind my children as an excuse to not go. Who wants to sit in a house full of knick-knacks and a couple of toddlers?! It isn’t that I don’t like people, but in our ministry most women would chat about “community news”. Don’t get me wrong, I loved our members and some were dear, dear friends. One time one of the senior ladies said to Alan, “it sure is nice to see Necoe smiling. We thought she was depressed and didn’t like us.” I didn’t take it personal, I laugh about it even still. It is all about balance which is hard to do in a glass bowl.
3. The above answer goes along with this question, but I would say that the church never expected me to do more than I felt led. In fact, being part of a small church, I felt like i may have been trying to push more ministries than they were ready for. The biggest struggle was the balance of doing a ministry the way I felt led instead of the way it was traditionally accomplished. It is easy to do a ministry the way you “did it last year” to a point of failure. I was expected to lead the WMU, but my struggle was to lead it, not just host it. Let me explain: before, the meeting was to read through the birthdays for that day, pray over the missionaries, read an article from the mission mag, and dismiss in prayer. To me this felt dead and insincere. Not to say those faithful ladies didn’t care, but I felt like we were just filling time. After 5 years we still read through the birthday list and prayed for the missionaries, but through my leadership I tried to lead them to more mission involvement and awareness outside of the mag. they could read at home. Whatever the ministry you do, I think the most important factor is do it the way that fits you.
.-= Necoe´s last blog ..OKC zoo: children’s zoo =-.
Mindy
28 yrs. old
Denver, CO
Co-Pastor/Youth and Young Adult Pastor’s Wife
1. I think because I was only 20 when I married into the ministry, and the fact that we have a VERY laid back church, I didn’t think twice about my PW ‘style’. In fact, as I read this chapter, I had to smile at parts because I think in my case, I SHOULD have worried about what I was wearing! haha! I wasn’t worried in the least about my outward appearance, as far as a Pastor’s wife, should be. As a young woman, however, and someone fighting bulimia, my outward appearance was all I thought of. Being tormented by thoughts and emotions, I wore many baggy sweatshirts and ‘comfy’ clothes to hide me. I loved what you said on pg. 46 that what you were wearing represented what your heart was feeling. That was SO me!! For so many years! As the Lord has healed me, I have felt the nudge to now dress ‘the part.’ Not in a way that forces me not to be me, but in a way that shows that I love who I am.
2. Hmmm…I think being sober would be the thing that, right now, is most difficult for me to master. For so many years I have been trying on ‘hats.’ What I mean by that is I am a people-pleaser. I have always been. As long as I can remember I would feel that uncomfortable push to say or act a particular way in order to please the ones around me. (Not when it came to blatant sin, mind you. I did have knack to stay away from the things I knew were physically harmful.)
As I married my husband, I found myself trying on more and more ‘hats’. Since I didn’t know the slightest thing about being a PW, and my mother-in-law is the MAIN PW of our church, I began mirror everything she was. She is the most wonderful, joyful person you would ever meet! So many amazing traits she has. But can I just tell you….I AM SO NOT HER. :) It took living with them TWICE to find that out! (God’s good like that.) The hat simply wouldn’t fit!
Anyway, all of that, just to say, I’m still searching, in some ways, for my own hat. It’s very, very, very hard to find who I am suppose to be as a PW, in my in-laws church. It’s not them, by any means. But there is still an unspoken pressure…not even sure what it is. I’m trusting God that someday I won’t feel like I’m only the Pastor’s Son’s wife and I’ll walk in that calm and collectedness that I so desire.
3. The people and staff at our church are so wonderful. I don’t think I have ever felt intense pressure to do anything contrary to my personal giftedness. I have always been asked kindly to be a part of things in which they knew I would thrive in. I’m so grateful to our Lord for that.
Donna – Associate Pastor’s Wife – 30 – Australia
I don’t think any of my friends had seen me in a skirt until I became a pastor’s wife. I love jeans, dressed up with a nice top and nice shoes of course ;). One sunday an older gentleman made a comment about me wearing “running pants” which were a pair of black knee length dress shorts I wore with high heals! I still occasionally wear my jeans dressed up, but mostly I will wear skirts with a favourite top and cute shoes :). I dont mind accomodating to their preferences as I know for the older congregation, dress is a part of showing thier respect to God, and they certainly are generally extremely loving and accepting of any new (and different) young people who visit our church.
2. Being faithful is the characteristic I struggle with the most. Sometimes I put pleasing others before pleasing God and say yes to things others ask me to do in order to be ‘faithful’ but in reality it is diminishing my ability to be faithful in the things God has asked me to. I love your quote, Lisa, on on page 5″6, “When we are comfortable in our own skin and secure in our calling then it is much easier to give out our yes with confidence without fearing the criticism of those who think we should be doing more”.
3. Its very tempting to step into positions in ministry that really need someone to help, especially in a small church, and then strangely it is very common that you are left there for a very long time even though you never felt called or particularly gifted in the first place! So be careful and prayerful of what you sign up for (more on that in chapter 6!)
Thanks Lisa, this is awesome!
.-= Donna´s last blog ..Foosball =-.
Amydeanne/30something/willbesomeday/canada
1. Well I’m already conserative in dress lol.. I don’t feel the need to go much more than I am so I feel pretty happy about, especially after readying your book.
2. my self-control iwith my words… that’s what I need to work on..
3. as far as what others think.. i’m scared to death people will assume I should know how to play the piano LOL I know that’s funny, but I don’t play anything.. and well I sing, but it ain’t pretty! lol..
April
30s
College Minister/Modern Service Site Pastor’s Wife
Louisiana
1. I really haven’t struggled with the issue of dress. Even though I’m the “flashiest” dresser in our small group (according to my husband), I don’t dress inappropriately. I enjoy wearing skirts and dresses and heels on Sunday morning since they’re not really practical for running errands with four girls during the week! But I do wear shorts to Wednesday night church in warm weather!
2. I struggle most with being winsome. I have struggled almost all my life with major insecurity, so while I genuinely like most people, I am afraid they won’t like me. (Thank you middle school for this lasting “gift”!) I am often afraid to be myself, especially around people with strong personalities so I know that I probably seem aloof or fake to others. God is dealing with this issue, and it’s one I hope to be healed of soon. I’m reading Beth Moore’s So Long Insecurity, and I know God is using it!
3. I really haven’t felt pressured to work outside my gifts for any length of time. The only exception I can think of is the church’s expectation of any mom who doesn’t work outside the home to work VBS. But it’s only a week, so it’s not too bad!
.-= April´s last blog ..Hope for the Future =-.
The one who fills all space and time is there waiting for us to step into the place He has already prepared for us to occupy.
I loved how you said that. I couldn’t agree more!
.-= Marsha´s last blog ..Posse (homeschool style) =-.
Patty, 44, SP, SC
I have never felt pressure to dress a certain way. I try to always look nice, but I wear my dress jeans on Sunday mornings if that’s how I feel when I get up that day. I don’t really know if people care or not, because I don’t worry what they think about that. It’s always been our mission to make those in our community who may be unchurched feel comfortable walking into a “traditional” Baptist church, so if the PW wearing jeans makes them feel that way, then so be it.
I have a problem keeping my big mouth shut! I say things and then realize I could have said it differently (or not at all). It seems to me that church people (those who gossip and slander religiously) expect the PW to be mild and meek even when that’s not what the situation calls for. I will not stand idly by and allow someone to be attacked or talked about just because its the thing to do!
I also have a hard, hard time being nice to people who are mean to my husband or kids. I have tried to stay above the fray and not engage, but merciful Heavens……that’s HARD. I generally love the ppl in our church, but am not that forgiving of this particular “sin”. With that being said, I must also say that this church we are in has been so different (in a glorious, loving way) to our family than our last church. It’s taken me a while to get over the hurt!
The ministry that I feel the most pushed into and not gifted for is youth. I love the activities that they do, and if I could just plan them and not have to participate all would be well. However, we currently have nobody stepping up to the plate (even the parents of the teens) to do anything with them and it has fallen to my husband and me to do it all. I don’t like working with teens because in my home and in my classroom, I command respect. You don’t always get that at church…….and as the pw, I can’t say things to them that I say to my own kids or my classes b/c if ppl get mad, then they leave the church or talk about you or whatever. It’s so frustrating to me! Suggestions welcome…..seriously!!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..stressed =-.
My husband has been a Youth Pastor for the Last 15 years, 4 years at our present church. He was just installed as the Senior Pastor on January 31st at the same church. He is continuing to do both positions until we find a new youth pastor. (He as been doing both since May) He was the Interim Pastor and now officially the Lead Pastor. In saying all that I have always felt the freedom to dress like a teen….appropriate jeans, t-shirts and sweatshirts. Lately, I have struggled with the “Is it okay for a Pastor’s Wife to wear this?” This past Sunday I wore my black sweater dress (almost to the knee) but the kicker is I really like my tall black boots with it. My husband approved and said it was fine so I went for it. No one seemed to mind….at least that I know of…. and I even had a few compliments from some elderly women. That has put me a little more at ease. I think I am more concerned and worried about people thinking something that they really are not. I don’t think I feel free to wear jeans yet nor do I really want to. I don’t think anything is wrong with that but I haven’t taken that step and may never take that step. I like to dress up a little for the Lord’s house (dress PANTS that is!) Our church (Baptist) is not conservative and the people dress very casual. My husband wore black jeans last week for the very first time in his ministry. A big step for him! Our choir has decided to follow that lead.
The area that will be the most difficult for me to master (knowing is half the battle) will be not taking things personally when my husband is criticized and being above reproach when it happens. I will definitely have to be prepared to bite my tongue and not feel like I have to set someone straight! So I will go with Sober (calm and collected in spirit) as my area that I need to master.
I feel pressure to be more outgoing than I am and to be involved in any are that there is a need, but I also know that this is pressure from myself and not my church or my husband. I have just started my 2nd month as the Pastor’s Wife and wish I had more time to put into it. I am an elementary teacher, Jr. High Volleyball Coach and a mom of 3 active girls. I plan to quit teaching next year and will homeschool my 2 younger girls to be able to be a better wife, mom, and PW! Cant wait!!
Cindi, Associate Pastor (current church)/Church Planter (new church), 40, Florida
Question No. 1 – I’d say that when hubby and I first went into ministry (Youth Ministry in 2002), I had more of a change in what I watched (TV & movies), listened to (Music), and read (books). Before we were both saved, we were pretty wild. We both swung from one side of the pendulum (crazy wild) to the other (ultra conservative). At the time, I think we both needed to do that. As far as clothes go, I never dressed too wildly, mostly because it is hard for me to find clothing that looks great anyway (need to lose weight). I do wear jeans a lot to church, and probably should dress up a little more. My hubby likes more relaxed clothes, too, but will dress in suits and or shirts/ties to appease the masses. (Did I just say that?) He is a funny one, though, as he will undo his tie and pull his shirttail out as the SP is making announcements in service. Many times, you can find him dressed up in church and me sitting next to him in jeans, shirts, and cute shoes :)
I had more of an identity crisis last year (2009) when our current church called hubby to be the AP. It was really more that I thought that I was not worthy enough to be a Pastor’s wife (our wild past/my lack of holiness/I know the thoughts that go through my head & I am so grateful that no one else does/lack of devotional time/fill in the blank). I struggled and talked to a friend of mine who is a SPW who told me that I just needed to be me and let God be Him. I just didn’t feel “good enough” to be a PW. Another friend of mine (a church member) said that she’d be worried if I felt that I was too good enough. I still wonder sometimes if God really knows what He is doing and have asked Him that. :)
Question No. 2 – I probably struggle with not being diabolical the most. I can usually separate people and their actions (we all sin, many people in church are not saved, etc) but it’s the ones who KNOW you and still hurt you are the ones I struggle with the most. There is a small posse in our church who have decided they don’t like hubby for various reasons and seek to cause us problems. I don’t want to go into detail online but it’s been a mess. Some of these particular people were good friends of mine before hubby got saved and called into ministry, but now will barely speak to me. It is easy for me to ignore them or act in kind, but I know that I am called to love them anyway.
I do tend to keep people at arms distance…dont really know who I can trusst and have been hurt too many times to count.
Question No. 3 – I don’t feel pressured to do anything in our current church or with the church plant. I serve because I want to and feel led to, and I have a joy in it. I am especially excited about the church plant and the direction it is going. My husband does not expect me to be or do anything except to be Cindi in Christ…and that is hard enough :) and to strengthen my relationship with the Lord.
Rachel, youth ministry, 25, MS
1. Almost every time I purchase clothes for myself I think, “Is somebody going to think I spend too much money on clothes??” No one has ever said anything (including my husband) but that paranoia creeps in and I wonder what people will think.
2. Being sober (calm & collected in spirit) is probably hardest for me right now. Life with a toddler is crazy, ministry is crazy, our schedules are flat out crazy!
3. I haven’t been pressured to do anything at our current church. I’m also on staff full time so I think people realize I have my hands full already. (Or maybe they caught on to my response to question #2) :)
.-= rachel h´s last blog ..birthday recap =-.
In response to question #2…(#1 really hasn’t been an issue for me, although how my children dress has!! I have a 17 yr. old son, a 16 yr. old daughter, and a 12 yr. old daughter) But…I would have to say that I have a very bad ‘poker face’. If my husband (who is an associate/youth pastor) or I are going through something, I do not hide things well. I’m told that can be a good thing, but having people come up to you and ask you if something is wrong when you can’t tell them, is not good. So…I have tried to work on hiding my feelings a little better. It’s kind-of walking a fine line between being authentic and transparent, and maintaining some sense of privacy and not giving gossipers something to talk about.
Question #3: I have to admit that I laughed out loud when I read pg. 51 where the church had the pastor’s wife’s responsibilities in women’s ministries written in the church bylaws!! The senior pastor’s wife and I are the ‘pastoral liasons’ for women’s ministries (something we didn’t ask to do). Many women have expressed their disapproval and disappointment whenever I miss a women’s meeting to my husband, even though I have 3 teens in my home who are all very busy in sports and extra-curricular activities… Many thought that I was on staff (the senior pastor’s wife is the children’s ministries pastor) and paid to be there, and have commented about me not being at the church during office hours. This is our first time being in full-time ministry, and it has been a bit overwhelming the differing expectations that people have of what a pastor’s wife should be doing, and how she should be acting!
Mary Beth – 45 (for two more weeks!!! yikes!) – Church Planting Director’s wife for Michigan A/G (mouthful I know!)
I MISSED this discussion last week… how did I do that?!!??? When I read the book a few weeks ago I jotted a note I wanted to share…
In recent church planting studies… it has been said the church will take on the personality of the wife.
So ladies NEVER underestimate GOD’S call to you and what you have to offer your body of believers. HE thought SO much of you He CHOOSE you to partner with your hubby… and you ARE influencing your church… one way or another.
Love all of you. Thanks LISA. YOU ROCK my friend.
.-= Mary Beth´s last blog ..Conversation With My 7 year old Niece =-.
I meant Pastor’s WIfe! I am sure you knew that… but just to clarify!!!