Cute Shoes Online Discussion ~Chapter Seven
So you may have noticed I’ve been a major blog slacker as of late. I really hate excuses so you are in luck: I got none. Life is full and fun and much of what the Lord and I have been working through has found its way in to my journal pages rather than outed in public. For those of you who have been sweet enough to ask, just know I’m thoroughly enjoying this season of peace and praise. I’ve also been reading more for leisure rather than study (just finished The Red Tent – would love to know if you read it and what you thought about it?) but I do intend on getting back in the blog groove soon.
In the meantime, working through the book chapters with you has given me joy in ways you can’t comprehend. Both your comments and private emails sharing how God has encouraged you in the pages is more than my heart can take in. From Day One of the process until now, I’ve never gotten over the feeling of being in way over my head. My first goal was just to be able to finish the project without obsessing too much on how it would be actually be received once it hit a shelf. When it was ‘out there’, I freaked in a whole new way. I knew I had done the best I could do but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t matter to me if it resonated with you at all. It did matter. It does matter. So, to those of you who have taken the time to communicate that with me – thank you. THANK YOU. I don’t take your kindness for granted nor do I minimize our God who can work through any means to strengthen the families of His shepherds. To Him alone be praise!
Okay, let’s take a look at Chapter Seven and see what you girls have to say about raising our Preacher’s Kids to keep the faith! Don’t forget to sign in with name and location. Also feel free to respond to one another in the comments.
1. In what ways do you and your husband ensure your children feel prioritized?
2. How would you say your children feel about being the children of a pastor? Do they love it? Are they indifferent?
3. What are some special things church members have done for your children to minister to them specifically?
4. If you’ve experienced parenting difficulty with your children you would attribute to the pressures of ministry life, do you have wisdom you can share to others walking the same road or those hoping to avoid it?
I have to admit I’m somewhat a Pollyanna where this subject is concerned because my children have thrived as PK’s but I’m not naive enough to not realize many of you are broken over prodigals. Please allow us to pray with you if you feel free to share in this context.
1) Our kids are 10 and 12, so there’s still plenty of time to mess them up, but a former pastor of ours told my husband to make sure his kids didn’t grow up to regret being a pastor’s kid. The pastor’s family is at church every time the doors open, and even when they’re not:) Our kids play sports- so even though we don’t want sports to take priority over God, our son usually makes the soccer allstars every year. We allow him to play on Sundays JUST for allstars. 3 weekend tournaments and my husband takes vacation days for the ones that are scheduled during church. Not everyone is happy, but most understand. We would hate for them to grow up and say, “I never got to do (insert activity here) because my dad was a preacher.
2) For now, our kids seem to be indifferent to their dad being the pastor, but I remember a time when they liked it – which leads me to believe there will come a day when they don’t:)
3) A few of the widow ladies take them out to Dairy Queen for a treat after Sunday evening services once in a while. Their sunday school teacher takes them on Sunday afternoons occasionally out to her farm to play with the animals. A few of the ladies always come to their piano recitals.
4) My kids haven’t hit the teenage years, so I’m sure I could learn from others on this question:) Only issue now is lack of time to enjoy our family. We homeschool, but still feel like we’re always on the run.
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..~bottomless~ =-.
Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife Reply:
May 4th, 2010 at 7:04 am
Isn’t it great when the ppl of the church take an interest in your kids’ lives outside church? If you want to tend to a mom’s heart then tend to her kids’..:)
Penny, Senior Pastor, New Orleans
1. We have a 5 yr old daughter and a 3 yr old son. My husband takes our little girl out on frequent “ice cream dates” – they both LOVE and cherish this time together. I stay home with our son during the day. And Fridays – my PH’s day off we spend the entire day doing family stuff. It’s a very special day in our house – we all look forward to Fridays.
2. I don’t think they really get that they are PK’s. Being only 5 & 3, they just know that Daddy is at church a lot! In fact, they call it “Daddy’s Church” instead of our church name. it’s really kind of cute.
3. One time we had a couple in our church keep them for a week, so my husband and I could attend a conference out of state! What a blessing! They planned special things for them all week long!
4. I could just use advice on how to handle a 5 & 3 year old and ministry all at the same time. It seems like when I’m about to counsel with a young lady on the phone – my son begins to need everything he can think of – snack, potty, outside, etc. I struggle to talk with ladies after church about their needs and prayers while my children are trying to show me all their fun Sunday School crafts. Any advice here?
.-= Penny´s last blog ..Don’t Miss it! It Will Bloom! =-.
Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife Reply:
May 4th, 2010 at 7:04 am
Fridays are our day off too. Our kids are in school but we always look forward to doing something fun as soon as they get home..:)
Sara Reply:
May 6th, 2010 at 10:53 am
Oh my goodness–I can so relate!! My kids are almost 4 and 2, and with my husband at church all the time, “Daddy’s Church”, I feel like there’s not a lot I can do. I think I could use some toddler advice as well! It’s a tough balance, but God must think we’re up to the challenge. :-)
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Confession 98: Before the Throne of God =-.
Necoe Reply:
May 7th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
When my man was pastoring our kids were that age as well. There were times I felt “left out” because I had to attend to the kids while it seemed he got to do all the ministry. People are more understanding than you think about children. In fact, one sweet lady reminded me one day to enjoy their age, because they grow up so fast once they start school. She was right. Look for other moms who need the same thing you do, another friend to talk to that is taller than 40 inches. The kids might even entertain each other while you visit.
.-= Necoe´s last blog ..Birthday Wishes =-.
Our kids are older. 19, 17 & 15. They’ve always loved ministry (even when it was pretty unlovable!). I’m thankful that in spite of what they could feel about that lifestyle, they still find much to appreciate about it.
They have witnessed goodness in folks and some not so goodness.
I feel confident that God protected them from so much ugly because of how we handled it at home.
We were open with loving people in spite of their actions. Not being doormats, but being firm in our faith.
Each of our kids CHOOSE to love and obey God.
Being a part of a church is like being in a family. Everyone has their own quirks and weaknesses. It’s up to us as parents to navigate our kids through those relationships (as safely & healthily) as possible.
One other thing. We acted normal (since we are). Our kids didn’t TOTALLY know they were considered different until they were older. They thought all kids lived like them. We invested ourselves in them and prayed with them about everything. It’s been comforting to see them…..rely on God as older teens and make decisions based on Him..
They aren’t afraid to live outloud for Christ!
Wanda (Indiana)
Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife Reply:
May 4th, 2010 at 10:19 am
Wanda,
You give me hope! :))))
Back to when my husband was an associate pastor at a church with long services and lots of afternoon and evening services, I tried to make my oldest son a priority. We always took a snack break in the middle of Sunday AM service, right before the morning message. I mean, hey, it was rough on me, not eating for what might amount to nearly six hours, including time to get dressed and travel to and from church before we saw another meal. I can only imagine what that was like for a toddler!
Then too, I frequently bowed out of those afternoon and evening services. Knew it wasn’t a popular decision, but I didn’t believe my child truly had to be “raised on a pew”. I saw the frowns and heard some of the whispered comments, but I did what I believed was best for my child.
Since then, our family has expanded, and we try to make sure that they know they are our priority. Saturdays are family time. We make every practice or game, concert or special activity at school between my husband and myself.
I think they feel that being the pastor’s kid was a special thing, if not always a comfortable thing. They didn’t always understand why they seemed to be a focus of attention or why other kids got away with things that they couldn’t. But there were benefits too, like always getting served a very nice plate at church dinners and folks looking out specially for them.
Folks have offered babysitting services, provided meals, and generally been nice more often than not to our children. I think my husband has been particularly sensitive to this issue because he is a PK himself, which has helped us to avoid some of the possible pitfalls. We try not to take advantage of others, sometimes turning down offers of assistance and we make sure people see how important our children are to us, hoping to set an example for others to have a healthy mix of church and non-church activities in their lives.
.-= PatriciaW´s last blog ..Wednesday Worship: Justified =-.
Sara Reply:
May 6th, 2010 at 10:55 am
I’ve chosen to back out of things, too, and it’s not an easy decision to make. But, I think your family comes first. So, as a mom, you do what you have to do.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Confession 98: Before the Throne of God =-.
Necoe Reply:
May 7th, 2010 at 9:19 pm
Whew! 6 hours. What a woman!!
.-= Necoe´s last blog ..Birthday Wishes =-.
Shelly Myers, Worship Pastor, Colorado Springs
We have 3 kids, 12, 9 and 6. My husband as been working at this church for 16 years. He was at this church as a single man and we married in 1996.
Our children have enjoyed being involved at our church. We spend a lot of time at the church and it does not seem to have any poor effects on them yet.. They come to practice when both my husband and I are doing worship. but there are other married couples that are not in full time ministry that do the same thing at our church. They just are not old enough to stay at home and we save paying babysitters for our “hot dates”.
I don’t think we have ever had anyone expect more from our children just because they are PK’s. I do have one child who has some life long medical conditions and on occasion my husband has shared about those issues from the stage. But it is our real life and those are our learning moments with God, so we share them out of a heart to be real with people in our church, not for extra attention. But praying for our son’s health is one way people have ministered to our kids. There was one time in particular that I can think of when my husband preached a message and there was a pretty big illustration about my son in it. My husband had asked my son if he could talk about it before he preached, and my son said yes. My son later told his dad that it felt weird for people to ask him questions about his health and did want to answer those questions. So, the next week my husband told the congregation that, they couldn’t ask my son questions about his health, but if they wanted to ask my husband or me when Will was not present that was fine. My son just felt weird about it and we honored his wishes, ” tell all you want just don’t expect me to want to talk to all these grown up about it.”
Oh, I am sure that we will have more to come with our kids. They are still taught from home that character is important, not because of who your parents are, but because we want to honor God. I tell the kids all the time that they have to own their choices, good or bad. Our kids know why my husband and I serve in ministry and that it is our passion that put us in ministry. We are teaching them to be passionate and to live it out. One son is passionate about baseball, the other about movies. I just always tell them to think about how God could use what they are passionate about. Wow, I am could go on and on with that one.
We have had to explain tough things to our kids about family friends leaving the church. Those things have truly been harder than what people may expect of them. I know somethings will hurt more than others, but those are hurts that take a lot of time to heal for our family
II have to respect my kids boundaries and I suppose that is why I don’t have too many issues with what others expect of them. My boundaries for them are already set.
I don’t have a blog, but this always makes me think twice about doing it. We shall see.
Hi Lisa, I was so excited to get your book and do this study together with you. I have the book but I guess I need prayers. Satan is working hard. My husband (who I love very much) is a youth minister and we have two little ones. Maybe someday I can read the book and come back and find all the old comments and gain from them and you.
Thanks for thinking of us minister wives out here in the trenches,
Teresa
Amy Toornstra, Pastor’s Wife, Salem Oregon
I was really excited about this chapter because I am a grown up PK and also a pastor’s wife. I also was a youth director for awhile while my husband finished his undegrad and seminary. If I had a overly negative experience, I don’t think I would be doing what I’m doing. However, there were some rough times for me as a PK especially around the junior high/high school years. My children are ages 4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 6 months. They love going to church. They have kids their own age at church they like to play with. There are a few families that have done special things with them or have taken them for an afternoon to give me a break. They are like “adopted” uncles, and aunts and grandpas and grandmas. I don’t think it is always going to be this easy and I am sure we’ll deal with more struggles when they are older.
I think pastor families need to be careful about how much they are talking about church. Especially when tensions in the church arise, kids pick up on it even if it’s talked about behind closed doors. It is so important to have family outings, vacations, and breaks. My husband guards his nights off and days off. He always spends time with me or the kids. We rarely feel like we are competing with the church. Caller ID helps with this. :) There were some Sundays that we went to a different church in town as kids when my dad had a Sunday off. I’ve done the same thing already as a PW.
Keep communication open. I really struggled fitting into the church my dad pastored when I was in junior high and early high school. I did not connect with the kids in my grade and had very little in common with them. It came to the point where I was not welcomed by them and didn’t feel accepted. Rather than show grace and mercy, my parents often got angry and argued with me. I know they felt guilty about the situation I was put in and they never forced me to attend youth group at this church. Looking back it was probably just as hard for them as it was for me. My brother and sister had similar struggles in this particular church. I wish we could have talked about it better rather than resorting to fighting. Deep down, I guess I always hoped I would never have to deal with this with my own kids, but it is more than likely I will. Or something similar.
I always wanted to write a book on PK’s. I think some of the old movies like Footloose or some of the old TV shows like Seventh Heaven don’t paint an accurate portrayal of “the PK.” There are many hidden blessings I have carried with me and will pass on to my children.
My kids are almost 4 and 2, so we’re still in the early stages! Right now, they love church and we have been blessed by a congregation that has really adopted them into their midst, despite the challenges my husband has faced as the pastor.
I loved the section in the book where Lisa talked about people in the congregation directing and guiding your kids into appropriate behavior while at church. A few weeks ago I walked into the kitchen and saw one of our older ladies correcting my oldest and making him clean up a mess he’d made. I loved that!! Members of the congregation truly show my boys that they are loved and treat them as their own.
I think my husband and I will have to be careful about the expectations we put on our children. Not only are they PK’s, but they’re teacher’s kids as well. And, I want them to act in a manner that will bring respect, not judgment. However, they’re toddlers, and boys, and they’re going to act as such. So, we do the best we can and I try not to freak out if they make a scene in public. :-)
All of the advice offered from experienced mom’s and PK’s here has been great. I’m definitely taking notes!!
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Confession 98: Before the Throne of God =-.
April, Louisiana, 30s
1. My husband has recently renewed Daddy/Daughter time. He spends time with each girls individually doing something special each month and also has a special time with all 4 of them. Since the college kids we minister to will take all the time we’ll give them, we’ve had to set some time boundaries to protect our family time. We also are going on a Disney vacation this summer!
2. My girls don’t like the time ministry can take, and they are still getting used to hosting college kids in our home. As far as the behavior/expectation issue, my husband join our church staff until two years ago. Our standards for them have not changed. And since they are all well-behaved at church already, no one has placed any undue burdens on them.
3. One of our college girls stayed overnight with our girls so we could have an anniversary getaway. She made the whole time fun for them! They had a blast.
.-= April´s last blog ..Hope for the Future =-.
Patty, SC, senior pastor
The number one piece of advice for all of you with little ones is………GUARD your children. As they get older, and when you move beyond the church you are in now where people love them because they are precious babies; expectations change. The older children are, the more people expect. It is important for your kids to know that they are allowed to have a life outside of church. Our middle daughter went through an especially hard time during the 8th grade. We allowed her to attend another church with a family whom we loved. She came to our church on Sunday mornings, and then attended the other on Sunday and Wed. nights. This didn’t go over that well, but we had to stand up for her and let the church know that we would rather her not grow up hating church because we forced her to go where she was overwhelmingly not welcome.
She is 18, almost 19 now, and still beats to her own drum. However, she remains in church because we have always encouraged her to be her own person and not who others thought she should be.
Not all of our children’s experiences have been negative, however. The church we are in now love our kids and show them that love on a consistent basis. They include them at Christmas as well as remember to invite them to lunch or to ride four wheelers (not my fav activity for them!) and then allow them to be kids while doing so. It’s so important that you remember through those all important teenage years to not tell too many private things about your teen. When they are little, the stories are cute; when they get older, they don’t find the telling quite so cute!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..indivisible =-.