Are You a Good Girlfriend?
And here is where I make confession #1012 here on the ‘ole blog: I’m a terrible friend.
I’m a loner by nature and even though I love being with people, I recharge by retreating to a lonesome place. I’ve always reasoned this stems from having four children so close together that consumed my every waking moment for years upon end that when they finally started school I was way behind on solitude. Until the past year I was perfectly fine if I didn’t speak to one person all day until everyone came home from school and work. I realized it had caught up with me not too long ago when I was at home studying (another thing that often demands confinement) and a thought hit me with force…”I am lonely.”
I really haven’t done much about it because the bulk of what ever free time I have is typically when every girl I know is busy with a punch-the-clock job or her own life and it’s hard for me to catch up with my family and friends in Georgia because by the time I can get there it’s time to turn right around and come get the kids from school. But, if I have any resolutions for 2012 it is to find ways of being more intentional in my friendships. Thankfully, I don’t have to search far because I have a tool – a new book – written by my dear friend Mary Snyder that speaks to just this issue.
I just got mine in the mail this week and started reading today. Mary and I have so much in common so I found myself connecting with her own initial girlfriend issues from page 1. Mary has gone a step further and turned a personal search into real, relevant ministry and I’m so incredibly happy to watch God use her in a way so perfectly suited to her. I’m even more excited that she is going to teach the bible study sessions for my home church retreat in March!
Now is where I get to bless you with a giveaway of a copy of her book. Her publisher sent me two but – even though I love y’all – I’m being very stingy with mine. To enter simply leave a comment on this post about one thing that has worked for you in terms of connecting with other women. I know young moms especially will want some advice. That season of life was so incredibly hard for me to get bathed every day much less make it to play dates or story time at the library.
I will leave the comments open until Thursday at which point I will randomly select a winner.
In the meantime, visit Mary’s blog to learn more about her life, book, and ministry. I’ve also just learned she is giving away two copies of her book and a movie gift certificate so enter here, enter there and chances are great you will walk away with GG&G and maybe a movie for grins. Sounds like a good GNO to me!
I wish that I had an answer for this all-consuming mantra of my heart! My husband and I have been in this particular ministry position for over ten years, and I have yet to establish a real connection with a woman in this church. I am puzzled and am often leaving the service, scratching my head, wondering what I am doing wrong. I am excited to read the responses that you will be receiving.
Oh my goodness! God is so trying to give me a sign! In the last week I’ve had two conversations with people about friendship and both times realized I AM A TERRIBLE FRIEND!!! I so relate to you Lisa, I am also a loner and while I love people, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed after family, work and church that I just want to retreat and stare at the wall!
I wish I had great advice to share, but I don’t. I have to say that it is my goal this year to also be more intentional. I think for me the best thing that works for me is just being honest about my life and my house and not trying to be perfect, but making others feel comfortable being honest with me, too. Please pray that God will help me be a better friend!
Sounds like a great book, Lisa.
What has truly worked for me is being involved in a home Bible study. It is less formal than at a study held on church grounds.
I have 5 young children. We began our family in Birmingham. I was the first of my friends to have a child, but they all followed quickly behind me..wonderful play groups. But, we moved back ‘home’ and many moves and 4 more kids later, keeping up with friends and making new ones got difficult. Send cards, check. Make phone calls, not so many..no time to be on phone. Send emails, check. Now we have facebook….but nothing like a personal, intimate visit with a friend. Play dates are great..but a homeschooling mom is home all the time with her kids..mom needs mom time…enter the moms night out. Difficult w/ little babies, but it is a rule in my group that nursing babies are welcome with mom! I could catch one every now and again. Never as often as I would like but still some friend time for those in town friends..now, what about the out of town friends?! Would love to read up on that one!
From what I have read in previous FB posts, this seems to be the case for many a Pastor’s Wife. It would be wonderful to know the real reason, but as for me, I got burned early on in my Pastor’s Wife Life, by a couple ‘friends’ who really took me down for the count. My trust in people is quite lower and am slower to really buddy up to anyone. I think the other reason my phone isn’t ringing off the table is because the consensus is that Pastor’s Wives have enough to deal with and couldn’t be bothered with an afternoon coffee date with a gal pal. This couldn’t be farther from the truth, at least for me. I cherish get-togethers and lunch dates. I truly want to become closer in my girlfriend relationships and have some soul sisters I can call upon and be called upon for that ‘fun in the sun time’. Chin up, give it to God, it will happen.
Hi, I have been a horrible push over at times in my life and have let everyone walk all over me. so I can be very guarded at times about letting anyone in. I usually connect with women in need of something hence why I can often get used. I am working on this.
Investment in their lives is key. Making Christ the center, praying together, sharing together. Making time for each other.
However, I struggle in this area. When I feel close to a gal I tend to let my guard down and say whatever comes to mind. This can be good, but then eventually I feel something has changed and convince myself the friend is pulling away. Then I fear I’ve said too much and tend to pull back myself. It’s a confusing place to be.
I find this topic very interesting and look forward to reading this book!
I too, have recently been approached with this subject… not by God, or me, or even my husband, but by my daughter. We are SO much alike that we could easily pass for twins and she asked, “Mom, do you ever wonder why we don’t have close friends and is that even wrong?” After a few days, we both came to the same conclusion and I’d like to share it with you in the hopes that maybe it will take some of the pressure off of someone. I am constantly being reminded that Jesus told us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Therefore, if we have any burdens that just seem too heavy for us to bear, it’s because we’re not supposed to be the one bearing it. I have struggled for many years with not having close friends… or even 1 really close friend for that matter! And then God showed me how He created me. He created me to be exactly like I am… to enjoy being a private person, a deep thinker, one who likes peace and quiet – I thrive in quiet times. I can hear God speak to me when it’s quiet. When all of life and it’s demands are swirling around me like a whirlwind, I can escape alone and be at peace for hours at a time and never feel false or ashamed… because God created me to enjoy being alone. I don’t ever feel now like I’m not a good friend when the time comes knocking on my door and a need is presented because I’ve been recharged and able to give exactly what God wants me to give to that person. I have gone so far out of my way to be there for others – because normally I am a loner. And I’ve expected nothing in return. Which is exactly what I got, so I wasn’t disappointed.
I am not concerned that there is something deeply wrong or unlikeable about me because I get along with many, many types of people whether I’ve known them for a long time or just met them in line at the grocery store.
I don’t feel the burden to have multitudes around me in order for me to feel fulfilled and happy. I don’t have to be “on stage” all the time in order to please many friends. And my phone isn’t ringing off of the hook with demands that are being placed on me subconsciously by others who are begging for my time to go out and have more fun. I don’t have the burden of guilt or feel bad because I have to tell them ‘I’m sorry, I can’t”. And I never have to wonder what I’m missing out on if my friends all get together and do something without me. But more than that, I have the time to spend alone with God where He shares wonderful and deep things to my heart. He is my friend.
Please don’t ever think you’re not a good friend because you’re not like someone else and they would ____________. Or friends are supposed to _________. Don’t you give of yourself continually to others whether it’s others in your congregations? Family? Strangers? etc. You may not have all the little ducks in a row that you’re working on, but not a good friend? By whose standards? Are they God’s standards or societies? I honestly believe this is a lie that satan perpetrates upon women and minister’s wives specifically…. after all, YOU’RE NOT _________. Do you see the accusation? And what do we do? We immediately start looking at ourselves and wonder “what’s wrong with me?”
No, God’s grace IS sufficient.
Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife Reply:
January 3rd, 2012 at 9:44 am
This is rich Rhonda. Thank you so much for this insight. I feel better now ;)
Mary Reply:
January 3rd, 2012 at 9:47 am
Amen sister! God’s grace is more than sufficient to fill all of our needs. In fact, building friendship outside of God’s will is dangerous — and take this from a girl who’s been burned a few times.
We are all created to be in fellowship with Christ first and out of that fellowship comes our fellowship with other believers. How that looks in each of our lives is very different. Very unique, as we are all individuals. No condemnation, no accusation, just lots of Jesus!
Kathy Reply:
January 3rd, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Rhonda…awesome! Thank you for your beautiful words and…well, wow!
Ritha Reply:
January 3rd, 2012 at 3:06 pm
So very true! Thanks Rhonda :)
Being involved with a small group of transparent, growing gals is essential.
Wow! Everyone’s comments are so helpful. I do feel lonely at times not having a really close girlfriend. I long for that time with someone else who’s going through similar things as I and understands as only another woman can. My husband is great, but he just doesn’t always “get it.” And I can’t depend on him to fill all my friendship needs. That’s too much of a burden to place on him. I’m turning to God and trying to redirect my cravings and longings to Him. He always knows what’s best and if He thinks I need a close female friendship, I’m counting on Him to place that in my life. Then I’ll have to step it up and be a better friend!
Pastor’s wife, introvert, 3 young children, prefer home/quiet…. enjoying these comments as I too have been feeling lonely and in need of some true friendships, which are difficult for me to development in ministry. Thanks for the post, Lisa.
Making the most of opportunities, some planned, many spontaneous, have been critical for developing friendships in my life. I’m finding friendships take time and perseverance, creativity, involve disappointment, sacrifice and much prayer. The friendships I have that last and that provide refreshment, accountability and joy are ones that share a passion for God.
One thing I found really helpful was Facebook. As a Pastor’s wife, after church my husband couldn’t help with the kids, & I often went straight home after church when my daughter was a baby. I found that by connecting with people on FB, when I talked to them face to face, I could ask them how their camping trip went, or their family visit, since I had seen it on FB!
Thank you for this! It’s been great reading everyone’s responses.
I have struggled with this since I’ve been married. I thought it would be easier to find and make friends being married, but it’s been harder. I have a few friends and I’ve found them in odd places like resale shops. I don’t have any at church which has been most disturbing, but I finally came to the conclusion that friendships can’t be forced and if they are meant to be God will make that clear. I try to be friendly, smile and greet everyone I see and pray that He will use me to brighten someone’s day.
I find myself ‘in your shoes’ often, having 4 small children (ages 6,5,2, and 10 months), and as a pastor’s wife since our oldest was about 6 months. Your book was so helpful to me in knowing when to say ‘no’ to things, and that my calling right now is my children. That being said, I now again find myself feeling like you in that any time I have away from the kids (few and far between) is when I want to be alone. We also have many acquaintances, but not close friends. I find it hard to trust people enough to ‘spill my guts’, so the only person I do that with is my hubby… glad we can do that for each other!! I would love to have one of these books to learn some ‘tricks’!!!
Two words for friends: MOPS! and Facebook!!! I don’t live in the same state or city as the bulk of my girlfriends so MOPS and FB have allowed me to continue to maintain my old friendships (FB) and make new ones (MOPS)
Me too! At home mom to 4, pastors wife (church is 1 hour and 45 minutes away. Always been more of a loner, was without a girlfriend for years after my mom died when I was 21. Now have 2 friends, but because off how I am, still don’t see them often.
As a pastor’s wife and mom of three (3 pregnancies in 4 years) I can so relate to this. I used to dwell on it more but I definitely feel that loneliness has often drawn me closer to Jesus and closer to my husband. They are the most trustworthy people in my life! That is not to say I still don’t struggle with loneliness but like so many of you, when I do have some down time (more often now that my kids are older) I really do enjoy shopping, getting my nails done, having coffee, etc. by myself. I have made this a matter of prayer before and just trust that God will be faithful to hear and answer. My sister is a ministry wife also but she lives out of state. We try to support each other and be a listening ear/ safe place for each other.
I am also content alone, but realize that this is not what God intended. I like to invite my friends over and use the good china and host a little tea party. I think the days of long ago, when women had high tea and dressed up is very relevant today. It is good to slow down, sit a spell and just visit. Ministry life is very isolating, and simply remembering that we are people who have needs, and sharing hospitality fills my need to serve and share time with the girls I love.
I too am a loner, I credit it to the fact that I was an only child because I have always been content to be by myself. I also work full-time on top of being a mom and a minister’s wife, so any free time I do have is usually taken up by my children or helping my husband. There are times when I hear of girls going out that I feel little pangs of jealousy because I would love to even just be invited sometime… So, maybe I’ll win the book and get some pointers on how to make and keep friends!
Catherine Reply:
January 4th, 2012 at 10:00 am
Forgot to say what has helped me connect with other women. I started a women’s small group in our church. We have only been at this church for a year, and I had not really made but one friend until I started this group. It’s hard to not have friends when your living room is filled with 16 women every Tuesday! And I have found that the weeks we have been off for the holidays I have really missed them, so I feel like that is a step in the right direction!
The one thing that I know has made me a better friend is to remember my friends in prayer. When I consistently lift them and their requests up to the Lord, they know that I care about them and love them. Praying for friends will help you remember what’s important to them and what’s going on in their lives right now.
I am a pastor’s wife and I have tried really hard to be intentional about spending time with women in the church who are close to my age. I found that meeting for lunch with them worked well for me so I try to do that whenever I can.
I am also a pastor’s wife but I am very quiet/shy by nature. I’ve only been a pastor’s wife for 4 months (Tuesday) now but I’ve found taking time away from the social networking websites (facebook and twitter specifically) and taking time to call, text or write a short note to other women my age has helped. I want to have genuine connection with Godly, Christian women in my life not just simply use social networking to feel connected and then go about my business.
I am a pastor’s wife (a fairly new one) and I am also quiet/shy by nature. I’ve found one of the best ways for my to connect with other women is to stop using the social networks (facebook and twitter) and actually call, text or send a short little note to a woman in my life. I want authentic relationships with the Godly women in my life not just looking at the social networks and feeling connected.
I am also a minister’s wife and been in the ministry for several, several years. But it has just been within the last few years that I have opened myself up to be a real good girl friend! I have learned that making myself go to any Ladies Retreat, Bible Study or my Sunday Schools’ Ladies Night Out is where I’ve learned how to grow & to love other ladies. I know it is a daily process to learn to trust others and one that I will continue to grow in with the strength and help from the Lord.
I’d love a copy of this book. I think for me, I just try to be real. I think it’s good for other ladies to see Im not holier than thou. I have the same struggles. In saying this I don’t spill my guts to everyone I meet but I try robe personable.